Did he hold me down and strip off my clothes? He did not.
I chose to do it. I never saw myself as a victim.
By the end of that night, my blouse and my bra were on the floor of Dorian Fisher’s suite. I’d sent him a dozen pictures, taken in various positions. He studied them while I sat next to him, still topless.
This will help,he’d said. I was vibrating all over.I hope you think about me tomorrow.
My throat tightened. I was so sure this was only the beginning of the night. He ran his gaze all over my body, slowly drinking in every part of me.
Surprise me. Whatever you do, I have a feeling I’ll enjoy it very much.
He glanced at my things on the floor, a silent suggestion to get dressed again.
This was a lovely evening. Thank you for being here for me, Constance.
The following night, I put on a black lace lingerie set I’d worn only once, years before. I must have taken twenty shots before finding one that seemed worthy of Dorian Fisher. After I sent it, I stayed up all night, waiting.
Dorian didn’t respond and I didn’t send anything else, even as I worried that the picture hadn’t actually reached him and that he’d been waiting all along, wondering why he wasn’t hearing from me.
When I saw him again, he gave no indication that he’d seen that last picture. He didn’t invite me up to his suite. There was only a brief moment when he leaned over me and whispered,Why would you stop? I need you so much.He bit his bottom lip as he sighed.
That night I got a little more creative. A little less dressed, too.
He never responded.
By our next encounter, I was a shell of myself. I couldn’t think about anything else. Sometimes I’d send ten photos in an hour. I monitored Carly’s schedule endlessly to find out when I would see him next.
Then, I did what I needed to do to be alone with him for a few minutes, but I couldn’t bring up the topic. It had to come from him. At first, we discussed the most mundane things, like what he wanted for lunch. I took his order myself because I didn’t want our assistant to come near him. He was mine.
You always know what I want, Dorian said.Well, maybe not always.
He looked hurt. Disappointed.
What do you mean?I asked, alarmed.
He looked away.It’s my fault, really. I really wish… I have feelings I can’t control. And when I see you, all of you, all I can think about is that it’s never enough.
Did I wonder why he didn’t kiss me? Why he didn’t try to have sex with me? Or, crazy idea of all crazy ideas, why he didn’t ask me on a good old-fashioned date? Yes, I thought about that every minute of every day. It kept me up at night. But we were headed in that direction. We had to be.
In the meantime, the whole thing felt so sexy. Men like him existed on a different planet. I couldn’t expect it would be the same as with any of my exes. That was what it was like to be with a famous man. He needed to know I really wanted him. That I was all his, without restraints. That I would do anything for him.Anything.
I started making videos. Played with, um, postures, dialogue, described the things I hoped he would do to me, all the things I wanted to do tohim.
I sent those and, again, there was no response.
I don’t know how long I would have continued like this. But then I found out that Carly was seeing him again just ten days later. Much sooner than any of our previous encounters. The idea was exhilarating. It made me lose my mind a little bit. Even more than I already had, you might say.
At the last minute, Carly informed me that I didn’t need to attend the session. She was styling him for just one event—an industry luncheon withVanity Fair—and she’d be fine on her own. Imagine how I felt when I heard that. I wouldn’t get to see Dorian after all.
That wasn’t an option.
By that point, I’d worked for Carly for three years. I was still technically an assistant, but I’d moved up the ranks. It was someone else’s job to set up the hotel room in downtown LA. I lied to Carly’s other assistant, Ella, and told her I’d be delivering the clothes to the hotel myself, per Carly’srequest. I’d checked the schedule. Dorian’s arrival time was on there, but the meeting with Carly wouldn’t happen until late that afternoon.
Carly was always strict about keeping her agenda updated, so I couldn’t have guessed that there had been a last-minute change. That she and Dorian would be walking in, together, just thirty minutes after I arrived.
My idea had seemed brilliant. I’d film one of my videos there. Dorian would recognize the room and would love the initiative. He’d love it so much he’d invite me back there. This would be our night, at long last.
After months of waiting, Ineededthis to be our night.
