Baba hadn’t taken anything from Ren. Instead, he’d saved Ren by giving him his own qi.
And he’d given him all of it.
CHAPTER 24
I’d witnessed death many times before. I’d seen it kiss shut the eyelids of my mother, and I’d walked in its company across long, lonely roads. I was also familiar with death’s sister, grief. I’d felt the cold, slender arms of loss wrap around my shoulders, drag down the souls of survivors until they fell to their knees.
I saw it now as Lilan collapsed over Baba’s chest and sobbed.
But I didn’t fall.
I gently pulled Lilan away and placed my hands over my father’s heart. Eyes closed, I focused on the qi inside me and attempted to share it with him. But it only pooled in my hands, like oil over water, refusing to merge.
Fear prickled the back of my skull.
I brushed it away and tried again.
Still nothing.
Why wasn’t it working? I sensed Ren’s concerned silence behind me, an awful realization needling my mind.
A reanimation spell had once sparked Ren’s life, giving himenough qi for his spirit to reattach to his body. But that had been possible only because his spirit was hovering nearby.
Which meant that the soul of my father had already left—and no matter how I tried to pour my qi into his body, he wouldn’t be coming back.
I shook my head at Lilan, watching as she crumpled to the floor.
I will not fall, I thought, covering my father’s body with a sheet.I cannot fall.
The rain continued pouring outside, droplets bouncing playfully off the eaves and gutters, unaware that time had stopped inside the monastery. I left the room and walked stiffly through the residence. At the front veranda of the temple, I didn’t hesitate to descend the stoop and step into the rain.
It was hardly midnight, and yet it felt as if an entire year had passed. The courtyard was pitch-black, the rain striking my cheeks and shoulders like invisible pins. But even the water soaking through my dress couldn’t wake me from my numbness.
I’d just pushed open the door of the main gate when someone caught my hand, forcing me to halt.
I turned, recognizing the feel of Ren’s fingers against mine. His skin was warmer than it’d ever been, almost hot compared to how it’d felt before receiving Baba’s qi.
“Where are you going?” he asked. Even in the darkness, I could guess the expression on his face. When not hiding behind a carefree mask, he was always so easy to read.
“To the town cemetery,” I said, the answer obvious to me. “I must leave a message with the caretaker, so he can prepare a grave for my father.”
“You—” Ren made a disbelieving sound, his hold tightening. I noticed then that he was shivering, able to fully feel thecold again. “It’s the middle of the night, Siying. And it’s raining. Can’t it wait until morning? I know you’re in shock, but you can’t leave right now. Your sister needs you—”
“I know what she needs,” I interrupted. “But I can’t help her until my father’s matters are taken care of. The sooner we complete the burial rites, the sooner she can heal.”
“How are you so calm?”
I laughed sharply. “What, then? Do you want me to scream and wail and curse the gods?”
He pulled me closer, away from the door, his other hand cupping my cheek. An hour ago, his touch might’ve made me shiver with want. Now I felt nothing.
Speaking softly, he said, “It’s all right to mourn.”
“I don’t need to.”
He sighed. “Siying, I’m sorry—”
“Don’t.” I stepped back, my skin chilling without his warmth. “I don’t want to hear your apologies and excuses. I don’t want to think about you at all. My father is dead, Ren, and the only thing I can do for him is the one thing I’m good at. So, please, let me take care of it my way.”
