“The money isn’t important right now.” I glared at the grass by my feet. “I know you’re a prince, but why must you be so stubborn?”
“Why areyouso upset?”
My arms dropped from my knees as I turned to face him. “Because I care about you, you fool!”
He paused. I immediately wished I could yank back my words. It’d been a long time since I’d cared about anyone but my family, since I’dconfessedsuch a thing out loud. Besides them, Mistress Ming was perhaps the closest friend I had. To care for another person was frightening, vulnerable. It meant another thing for my heart to lose. And now I’d gone and grown fond of someone challenging death itself.
Ren tilted his head to catch my eye, his smile returning. “And here I thought I was just a walking treasure chest to you.”
I turned away from him, annoyed. “I’m in no mood for your teasing.”
“All right, I’m sorry.” He reached over to tug lightly on my braid. “But you can’t control everything, Siying, much as you want to. Some things can’t be bent simply because you will it. Learning to let go and relax is important too.”
I clutched the fabric of my skirt. “You don’t understand.”
“Of course I understand—”
“No, you don’t!” I snapped, warmth flaring up in my chest as I glowered at him. “I can’t justlet go and relax. I’m not like you.”
He frowned, his hand dropping from my hair. “So you’ll drive yourself mad trying to fix something that might be unfixable?”
“If that’s the price of me saving those I care about, yes.”
“That’s a terrible mindset.”
I laughed harshly. “You’ve no idea the burdens I carry, the sacrifices I’ve made. My life means nothing without my family, the people I love. I’ll do anything, risk anything, for them.Perhaps that may seem controlling to you, but at least I’m willing totry.”
The moment I spat those last words, I regretted them. Ren winced at my accusation, his gaze flitting away.
It was true that his disinterest in political affairs had irritated me at the start. Besides wanting to investigate his mother’s death, he seemed to care little about the royal family’s business. I’d thought him privileged and selfish. But after spending time with him, I’d realized he wasn’t selfish at all. Lonely, insecure, and afraid, yes. But he did care.
I shouldn’t have lost my temper, especially when he hadn’t intended to offend. I was just so tired of being judged for doing the hard thing.
But perhaps he was tired too.
I grimaced, preparing to apologize. Before I could say a single word, however, Ren faced me again.
“You’re right,” he said, smiling wanly. “You’re much stronger and braver than I in so many ways. But that’s why I’m not worried about my qi. As I said before, I trust you, Siying. I trust that even if things appear bleak now, we’ll find a solution—the right one—together.”
“How can you trust me so much?”
“Because you’re the most responsible person I know.” He swept a loose strand of hair behind my ear, the gesture unexpectedly tender. “You’re driven, relentless, and shrewd. I wouldn’t feel safer in anyone else’s hands.”
Despite the autumn chill, my entire body was suddenly very warm. I became hyperaware of the pulse in my chest, the intake of my every breath—and Ren’s. Had he always been sitting so close? Why was I suddenly itching to touch the light-brownmole by his eye?Heavens.How many seconds had passed since he finished speaking?
I cleared my throat and said, “I think you’re calling me bull-headed.”
He shrugged. “We’re both bullheaded, to be honest. I’m sorry if I made you feel as if I don’t appreciate your efforts, because I do.”
I plucked the grass by my thigh, the apology feeling foreign on my tongue. “I’m sorry for yelling.”
He smirked. “I found your yelling rather refreshing. You’re usually so cold and quiet, which makes you difficult to read.”
He held my eyes as if he were trying to read me now. I had a strange suspicion that he’d succeed if given the chance. A part of me almost wanted to let him—which was more startling than the idea of being exposed.
I broke my gaze from his and dusted invisible dirt from my sleeves. More authoritatively, I said, “Since you’ve put so much faith in me, we’d best resume our journey and make the most of our time. Are you rested enough to continue?”
He nodded, the lantern’s light flickering across his visible eye.
