***
Hey, Cary—I’m trying to talk about my feelings. But you should tell me if you want me to stop.
***
Don’t stop, Shiloh.
***
Gus has used the potty chair all day today. Even at daycare. He even STOPPED WATCHINGBOB THE BUILDERto use the potty chair. Unprecedented!
This feels like the first day of the rest of my life.
***
P.S. Cary, it only sort of makes sense when you talk about your job, even though I can tell you’re trying to explain it the way you’d explain it to a 10-year-old.
***
Cary, I think about you almost every day when I drive home from work. I drive down Redick Ave.—the same way we used to walk home from school.
When I moved back home, all my childhood memories got sharper. Like I had moved onto the soundstage where my childhood was filmed.
Do you remember how we used to stop at the pawnshop, and you’d buy me Laffy Taffy? And then I’d make you listen to the terrible jokes printed on the wrappers?
***
Shiloh, I’m sorry, the last week has been nothing but long days and late nights.
First, let me congratulate Gus. Is he holding the line?
Iwasengaged. She was also in the Navy—which made some things easier and some things more difficult. I should have sent her more cookies.
I’ve gotten packages now and then, but you’ve always been especially great at mail. So the last few months have been a premium experience.
I remember the Laffy Taffy. Reading your e-mail made my molars hurt.
When I go back to North O, I feel like I get hit by wave after wave of intense memories. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live there. Is the nostalgia suffocating?
“Waste” is exactly the right word.
When I think about the last 14 years and everything I’ve missed in your life, I feel like I squandered something precious.
Like I was given something rare and valuable—a true blessing, an unearned gift—and all I had to do was hold on to it. And I let go.
I worry that it shows my true measure.
That I couldn’t be trusted to get Frodo to Mordor.
I was young; is that an excuse?
There are 18- and 19-year-olds on this ship. They’re like toddlers. I trust them to do their jobs, mostly, but I wouldn’t trust them with anything else.
I can’t believe that I thought I had it all figured out at that age—that I thought I hadyoufigured out.
I should have done less thinking and more holding on.
What would I give 20-year-old Shiloh?
