“No,”I type. Honestly. It’s easy to set my anger aside; I don’twantto be angry with Simon. If anything, I want to apologize for being angry with him. Which isn’t fair. He’s the one who lied.
He doesn’t reply right away. Then—“you were right about smith.”
Well, obviously.“Yes.”
“i’m worried that I’m just going to keep falling for this bullshit”
“What bullshit?”
“first the mage, now smith”
I frown at the phone.“You didn’t fall for the Mage’s shit. You were a child.”
“fell for smith’s tho”
“Only for a minute. Then you brought him to justice. That’s the important part of the pattern, I think—the bringing to justice.”
“maybe”
Simon starts typing more, then stops. Then starts. Then stops.
I wait.
Finally he sends:“i wish smith had been the real thing”
For fuck’s sake.“Why?”
“because then i could stop feeling bad about letting everyone down, they’d have a greatest mage to do all their great mage stuff”
I scowl at the phone and tap his name to call him.
He picks up after a few seconds. “Baz?”
“You have never in your life let anyone down.”
Simon doesn’t say anything at first. (I can hear the three dots.) “That’s not true,” he says. “I let you down all the time.”
“It isn’t ‘letting someone down’ to be depressed.”
“You’re literally still angry at me from earlier today.”
“Because you lied to me, Snow!”
“Doesn’t that count?”
“Fine,” I whisper harshly, “you let me down all the time—I think that’s just being in a relationship—but you’ve never let the World of Mages down. You don’t owe the magickal community anything. You never did. But you’ve served it with unflagging honour.”
“I liked it!” he says. I’m speaking softly, but Simon isn’t—he’s practically shouting now. “I liked every part of it! I know you think it was wrong that the Mage used me and made me fight, but I liked it. I miss it. I liked having a job, and I liked that specific job, and I liked knowing who I was. In a larger sense. I didn’t know who my parents were, but I knew whoIwas. Who I was supposed to be. Who the fuck am I now, Baz?”
“You’re the same person!”
“I was the Chosen One before.”
“You wereyou.You still are.”
He growls. “You’re not getting it—”
“Idoget it.” I pull the blanket up over my head to muffle my voice. “I understand that you’ve lost something—a lot of things—but you’re still the same person. I know, because I loved you then, and I love you now, and I know that’s not enough to make you happy—to make anyone happy—but you’re the sameperson,Simon. You’re still you.”
