“I don’t know,”I said.“I’m not the same anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’tknow—stoppushingme.”
“Are you talking about sex?”
“No!”
“Okay.”
“Yes, maybe.”
“Okay. I don’t know what you want, Simon.”
“It’s just too much.”
That’s the last time I tried to explain how I felt, and the last time he asked me to. I still don’t have any answers. What do I want?
Baz is the only person I’veeverwanted. The only person I’ve ever loved, like this.
But when I think about him touching me, I want to run. When I think about kissing him—
You can’t hide from someone who’s kissing you, even if you close your eyes.
I hear Baz getting up and moving around again in the dark. I wonder if he’s cold. Or thirsty. Then, in a rush of warmth and cedar and bergamot, he kisses my cheek. “Good night, Snow,” he says.
And then I hear him climb back into bed.
18
AGATHA
Ginger slips into our room, trying not to wake me.
I came back to the room hours ago. I didn’t have the stomach for evening cryotherapy. Or the singalong out on the deck. (Which I could still hear from our room. I swear these guys only know two songs—“Everybody Wants to Rule the World” and that Queen song about wanting to live forever. It’s like being in the car with my dad.)
“I’m not asleep,” I say.
“You should be!” Ginger whispers. “Tomorrow’s a big day.”
“You’re the one up late, fooling around in somebody else’s mansion.”
She giggles, but doesn’t argue.
“Why is tomorrow a big day?” I ask. “Are you levelling up?”
“No, that happens on the last night. It’s a ceremony, I think.”
“What does it even mean, Ging? Do you get a pin and a key to the clubhouse?”
“It means I’ll be one of them. Like, I’m one of the people who’s going to lead humanityforward.Toward the light.”
“Ginger, please don’t follow anyone into the light.”
“It’s not a joke, Agatha. It’s like they see me for who I am. My spirit.”
“I just… what does that evenmean? The rest of them invented the Internet and work in pharmaceuticals.”
