Nobody’s that lucky.
Someday he won’t come back, and I’ll be one of the first people they tell. I’ve thought it out because I know that however I react, it won’t be enough.
Simon’s the Chosen One. And he chose me. And even though I love him—we grew up together, he spends every Christmas at my house, Idolove him—it isn’t enough. Whatever I feel isn’t enough; it won’tbeenough, when I lose him.
What if it’s like that time our collie got hit by a car? I cried, but only because I knew I was supposed to, not because I couldn’t help it…
I used to think that maybe I was holding back my feelings for Simon as some sort of self-defence. Like, to protect myself from the pain of losing him, the pain of maybe losing everything—because, if Simon goes, what hope do any of us have?
(What hopedowe have? Simon isn’t the solution to our problems; he’s just a stay of execution.)
But it isn’t that—it isn’t self-defence.
I just don’t love Simon enough.
I don’t love him the right way.
Maybe I don’t have that sort of love in me—maybe I’m defective.
And if that’s the case, I may as well stand by Simon, shouldn’t I? If that’s where he wants me? If that’s where everyone expects me to be?
If it’s the only place I can make any difference?
14
SIMON
I spend an hour or so with Agatha, but we don’t say much. I don’t tell her about the Mage.
(What if Agatha agreed with the Mage? What if she wanted me to go, too? I’d wantherto go, if she were in danger at Watford. Hell, sheisin danger here. Because of me.)
When I get back to my room, Penny’s there already, sprawled out with a book on Baz’s bed.
“So you and Agatha talked?” she asks.
“We talked.”
“Did she explain? About Baz?”
“I told her not to.”
Penny sets down her book. “You don’t want to know why your girlfriend was snogging your sworn enemy?”
“I don’t know about ‘sworn,’” I say. “I’ve never taken an oath.”
“I’m pretty sure Baz has.”
“Anyway, they weren’t snogging.”
Penny shakes her head. “If I caught Micah holding hands with Baz, I’d want an explanation.”
“So would I.”
“Simon.”
“Penny. Of course you’d want an explanation. That’s you. You like to demand explanations and then tell everyone why their explanations are crap.”
“I do not.”
