Page 192 of Carry On


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I’m worried she’ll figure out that I want to kill the Mage first.

PENELOPE

I don’t trust Baz.

I only called him for help because he has a car.

I mean, I’d love to trust him—he’s a brilliant magician and excellent company—but I can’t.

I only trust four people: my parents, Micah, and Simon. I don’t have any spare trust lying around, and if I did, I wouldn’t give it to Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch. He’s cynical, manipulative, and utterly ruthless. All he cares about is getting what he wants and protecting his own people.

And there’s something in the way he looks at Simon…

I don’t think Baz has set aside the last seven years of hostility. He’s got a mad glint in his eyes for Simon. If he gets a chance to stab him in the back, I think he might take it.

I need to get Simon away from the Mage.

And then I just need to get himaway.

AGATHA

I should be scared. And I am—terrified.

But I’m also thinking,Fucking of course. Of course this is how I’m going to die! Because somebody’s looking for Simon and finds me instead. I’m going to be murdered by some power-hungry maniac who doesn’t even know my name.

I don’t try to fight. What’s the point? But I go limp. And start to cry. Just because I knew I was going to die like this doesn’t mean I’m ready for it. I wish I’d been nicer to my mum this morning. I wish I were wearing something other than leggings and Ugg boots. I always figured I’d make a more beautiful corpse.

The Mage hauls me to another room, where a trapdoor hangs open in the ceiling, light streaming down.

He points his wand at himself—“Up, up, and away!”You’re not supposed to cast that spell on people; you can accidentally pull their lungs through their shoulders. But the spell works for him, and we start to float up through the door.

Then another spell—“And we all fall down!”—knocks us both to the ground. Whoever casts it falls, too. I hear her land.

“No, Davy,” she says. “Let her go.”

And I think it must be Lucy. Here. To save me.

SIMON

I land on the Great Lawn at sunset and walk across the drawbridge. I see the Mage’s Jeep, and Dr. Wellbelove’s Volvo, and I wonder if they’re here—or if they’re off somewhere fighting. Actually fighting. Blades out, wands drawn. I don’t even know where to look for the war if it isn’t at Watford.

I’m headed for the Mage’s office when I see the light at the top of the Chapel.

It’s in a tower I’ve never seen lit before. I’ve never even noticed the stained glass there—it looks like a crown, or a cluster of stars.

As I’m looking, the windows blaze with light.

AGATHA

The Mage lurches up onto his hands and knees and starts casting spells.“Please, please, please! Let me, let me, let me!”

“Hell hath no fury!”the woman shouts. Fire pours from her staff and hits him in the chest. I’ve never seen anything like that, not even from Simon. The light from the fire finally illuminates her face—it’s Ebb. The goatherd.

“Run, Agatha!” she says.

But the Mage has fallen on top of me. “I can’t!” I sob.

The Mage raises his wand to cast at her, and I hit his hand as hard as I can. His wand goes flying, and he rolls away from me to get it.