But it took me several more months of therapy and soul-searching to realize they were both right.
I may have loved Em and Henry, but deep down, I was terrified of letting them love me back.
I had a life and a family before the farmhouse, and both were gone.
Who was to say this wouldn’t be torn away too?
Em and Henry hadn’t chosen me. Like the farmhouse, they had never wanted children. But they got one anyway.
And now I’m determined to pay them back, no matter what it takes. I can help take care of them just like they took care of me, even if I keep them at arm’s length.
I grab a fresh towel and clean up the rest of the spilled stew.
TWO
Dorothy
“Toto!” I stand on the edge of the porch calling out into the dark. He’s been gone the entire day. Probably curled up in a ball somewhere sleeping off his meal. “Toto!”
Across the field, I see a flash of light.
It winks on, then winks off.
Like a trained dog (not Toto, of course), my belly tightens.
I turn to the screen door. “I’m going for a walk to find Toto.”
“Don’t be out too late,” Aunt Em says from the sink.
The walk to the neighboring farm takes me about ten minutes if I follow the road. Seven if I cut across the fields. I’m in a hurry to feel something, so I take the shortcut, careful to step over the rows of corn shoots sprouting from the earth. It’s been drier this year. We’re in desperate need of a good rain.
I come around the Gilbert barn from the back side and find the door thrown open. All the animals are tucked in for the night. Edward Gilbert sits in a spot of light cast from a nearby gooseneck lantern. He’s in a metal lawn chair, Toto curled up in his lap.
“There you are,” I say and Toto’s ears prick up, his eyes barely opening. “He caught a rabbit earlier,” I tell Edward. “Haven’t seen him since.”
Edward pats Toto’s fat belly. “I think he stuffed himself.”
I’ve grown up with Edward, first as my best friend, then as something more. We used to send each other coded messages with our flashlights, the light winking in the dark.
When we were kids, he was shorter than me by several inches, scrawny and a little clumsy. Now at twenty-five, he’s got a foot on me, and the rougher farm work has given him strong hands, broad shoulders, and hard muscle.
Edward lifts Toto off his lap and sets him on a nearby hay bale. Toto yawns but curls up again and closes his eyes.
“Want to go up?” Edward asks, nodding at the ladder to the hayloft.
“Yes.” I knew what I wanted before I came over here.
Because he’s a gentleman, Edward lets me go up first on the off chance I should slip and fall. Even though I’ve been climbing this ladder, and ours back at home, for years and years with no incidents. Sometimes I think he does it just so he can see up my dress, which means he’s not quite the gentleman he’d like to believe he is. Which is fine by me. I wish he would be less of a gentleman some days.
But knowing he appreciates the view makes my belly spin with anticipation.
As soon as we’re up in the loft, Edward takes my hand and brings me gently into him. He presses his mouth to mine, his tongue darting out for a taste of me. He walks me back to the pile of loose hay in the corner where our quilt is already spread out, waiting.
I fall back with anumphand reach for his belt. We both fumble over the metal clasp, finally getting it undone. Then he’s on top of me, his hands roaming over my body.
I remember, vividly, the first time we made love. Our clumsy movements. Our desire permeating the air. The heat between my legs, the hardness between his.
When he enters me now, I groan in pleasure and he whispers sweet words in my ear.
