“Stop it.” Making one final patrol to ensure there were no signs of pursuit, she retrieved her blanket from the sleeping Dippy and wrapped herself up on the rough cot, boots still on. Knife clutched in one hand, she stared at the fire.
James is dead.
“I’m sorry.” She squeezed her eyes shut, then immediately regretted it, because her mind’s eye filled with a vision of him shattered and broken, amber eyes glassy and lifeless.
You killed him.
“Stop.” Tears leaked out around her eyelids, soaking into her blanket. “It’s not what I wanted.”
You could have tried to reason with him,her guilt said, rising from her conscience.You could have tried to explain.
“He refused to listen.”
You could have tried,her guilt whispered.Instead, you just saved yourself.
“I did it for Ithicana.” Ahnna knew she was arguing with herself, but it didn’t matter. “I need to be alive to warn them. I’m doing all of this for Ithicana.”
So you always say,her guilt answered.But perhaps it’s time you admit that everything you do is for yourself.
She rolled onto her back. “That’s not true.”
Isn’t it?Her guilt’s tone dripped with sarcasm.Was it for Ithicana that you allowed James Ashford between your legs?
“Shut up!”
But her guilt and heartache and grief refused to be silenced. All the things she could have done differently cycled through her mind, around and around, until finally sleep dragged her under.
It granted no respite, for her dreams were plagued with horrors that Ahnna could not escape, exhaustion holding her down like shackles. Nightmares where the Harendellians descended on Ithicana and put her people to the sword, her brother falling. Lara falling. Delia, the niece she’d never met yet loved more than life…
Ahnna jerked awake. A stifled sob tore from her lips and she rolled, burying her face in the crook of her arm as the nightmares slowly faded from her vision.
“Breathe,” she whispered. “It’s not real. You’ll get there in time to warn them.”
Vaguely she was aware that the fire had gone cold and that nighthad fallen, which meant she’d been asleep for hours. Though it had done her body much good, her heart felt worse for it.
Dippy abruptly snorted and shifted restlessly in his stall. Ahnna’s grip tightened on her knife.
She untangled her legs from her blanket and silently settled her boots on the floorboards. She moved with total silence to open the door leading to his stall. Her horse’s head was held high, ears pricked and focused. It could be anything. Mountain cat. Bear. A squirrel.
Or the most dangerous threat of all: a human.
Ahnna took a steadying breath and listened for feet crunching on snow, but there was nothing save the calls of birds in the trees outside.
Dippy’s nostrils flared and he gave a loud snort, then relaxed.
Ahnna blew out a breath between her teeth and shook her head. Quietly closing the door to his stall, she moved into the main space. She’d cook the squirrel, then get more rest, because at dawn, she’d continue on into Amarid.
Except she couldn’t relax.
Her heart beat violently, her breath rapid gasps and her palm slick around the hilt of her knife as she stared at the bolted door. The vision of opening her bedroom door on Southwatch filled her mind’s eye. The memory of a Maridrinian soldier slashing at her, and the painful sting as his blade tip scored her face.
Open the door, Ahnna.
Her whole body was shaking.
This isn’t Southwatch. There’s no one there.
Yet she couldn’t move.
