“Thank you, Your Grace,” James said. “I wasn’t looking forward to fighting you.”
Aren gave a soft snort. “Don’t thank me yet, Ashford. I know my twin better than you, and she will never give you a day of rest.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” James’s fingers tightened on her waist, and Ahnna looked down to cover her smile as her brother stomped down the path to the cove, bodyguard following, but Lara remained where she was.
The queen of Ithicana slowly approached them, strands of her long blond hair blowing in the rising wind. “He never once gave up on you, Ahnna,” she said quietly. “He refused to turn on you, no matter the cost.”
Ahnna’s composure cracked, but as twin tears ran down her cheeks, she saw that Lara’s eyes were also glistening.
“I’m sorry we left you alone in that nightmare.” Lara’s voice was choked. “I should have known…Should have suspected the full truth.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about.” Stepping out of James’s arms, Ahnna closed the distance between her and Lara. “You and Keris both warned me of how dangerous Alexandra was, but she still fooled me. Fooled everyone. Besides, I’m the one who owes you an apology.”
Ahnna met Lara’s blue eyes, and though she’d planned what she intended to say to the other woman if ever given the chance, all those words abandoned her. They stood in silence for a long moment, but finally she said, “There was a moment when I was right to be angry with you, but also a moment when I should have let it go. Instead, I clung to my anger and was awful to you. Awful to both of you, and it wasn’t even you I was so furious with.”
“It was yourself.” Lara tilted her head. “I know. And I won’t lie and say it didn’t frustrate me at times, but I’ve understood for a long time that you blame yourself as much as you ever blamed me. Although I still don’t know why you feel that way.”
Shame built in her stomach, turning her mouth sour, but Ahnna forced herself to say, “Because the reason Southwatch fell so easily is me.” In clipped words, she explained what happened that night because of decisions fueled by wine, jealousy, and grief. “I know I couldn’t have stopped the invasion, but Southwatch was my command. My responsibility. Aren trusted me to protect it, and I failed him.”
Lara’s eyes were filled with sympathy. “We all let down our guard that night, if for different reasons. Everyone on Midwatch was in their cups as well.”
Ahnna watched her queen bite her bottom lip, then sigh. “I understand you, Ahnna, because I also struggle to forgive myself, and there are days when I think that it is the purest form of selfishness to do so. My guilt is not for writing those instructions to Serin and my father, but for hiding the act from Aren.”
The wind was rising higher, and Ahnna smelled the scent of a storm coming on. A charge in the air, as if the tempests of Ithicana had arrived to listen to their conversation even as the guardians feasted on their enemies.
“If I had just told Aren the whole truth, he’d have realized what was in the letter he’d sent and we could have defended Ithicana. But those stupid pages felt like the culmination of everything horrible that I’d done. They felt symbolic of my betrayal, and I didn’t want him to know. Didn’t want to face that shame, and didn’t want to riskthatbeing his breaking point that cost me his love. I believed that I could destroy them and that my transgressions would disappear. He’d never know, and there would be no consequences to me keeping this one secret.”
Lara turned her face up, and the first drops of rain fell to splatter against her face. “Looking back, it seems so cowardly, so foolish, so fucking selfish.”
“So human,” Ahnna said quietly.
Lara made a humming noise, then shook her head. “Maybe. Butpeople died because of me being…human.Children died. And there are nights when I feel like I might drown in the hate I feel for myself. Keris says that to feel this way changes nothing. That punishing myself does no one any good. But I can’t fully forgive myself.”
Sudden certainty filled Ahnna, and she caught hold of Lara’s hands with hers. “I forgive you.”
Lara’s eyes widened with surprise, then welled with tears. “Thank you, sister.”
They stood hand in hand in silence, the rain gaining intensity, and Ahnna finally said, “Can I ask you for one thing?”
“Anything.”
Ahnna smiled. “I’d like to meet my niece.”
62
Lara
On the journey to Midwatch,Ahnna and James relayed much of what had happened, including the depths of Alexandra’s alliance with Katarina.
“She was in league with Silas and Katarina,” Ahnna explained. “She paid for and supplied the weapons that were used in the attacks, and I’m sure that’s not the end of her involvement. But it goes back further than that—they worked together to murder James’s mother all those long years ago.”
It was a great deal to take in, the scope of the plots extraordinary, and yet Lara did not struggle to believe any of it. Both queens were known to be conniving and clever, and with everything laid out before her, Lara felt only frustration at herself for not having seen through to the heart of it. For not seeing how the two queens had used Keris, Bronwyn, and Taryn to manipulate her and Aren into trusting Amarid.
If Ahnna hadn’t arrived when she had, the grain would have been swiftly and efficiently distributed, and by the time they realized that it was poisoned, countless Ithicanians would have succumbed. They’d have been easy pickings when the armies of the north swept in, the bridge taken almost without a fight, and she and Aren would have been unable to stop it, because they’d have succumbed to the poison.
The rain poured down on them as they sailed to Midwatch and into its familiar cove, thunder rumbling in the distance.
“I have orders to give. I’ll find you later,” Aren muttered, jumping into the water and wading to the beach without a backward glance. He was tense beyond measure, but Lara wasn’t certain how much of that was because of plots against them and how much was because of Ahnna’s betrothal to James.
