“So, you went back home instead?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I mumble. I look up and find his eyes. His gaze is sweet and thoughtful. I could melt right here and now in his arms. In public, in front of everyone. I want him to hold me; to tell me everything will be all right, and there’s no need to ever feel scared again.
He places his hand on mine and rubs over my fingers. I yank my hand away in shock and jump to my feet.
“Um, you know what?” I stammer. “I am kind of hungry. Do you want to go grab some fries somewhere?”
He shakes his head. Red in the face, he looks more embarrassed than I am. Dumb, Simon, dumb! Why did I pull away? A moment ago, I wanted him to hold me. Does that mean I’m gay? My heart beats faster as the shaking comes back.
PJ stands up too, and says, “Actually, I need to get back now.”
I offer to drive him home, but he shakes his head. “Just take me back to school.”
“Okay,” I choke in defeat. I don’t question his one-eighty.
We drive back to school in silence; the air is heavy between us. I keep a death grip on the steering wheel to conceal my shaking hands. A blistering, red hive appears on my left cheek. I turn my head so PJ won’t notice it which makes it look like I’m trying to ignore him. This is a mess. I pull into the school parking lot, and PJ has the door open before I come to a complete stop.
“Thanks,” he mutters and walks away without looking back.
“Damn it!” I say out loud, letting my head fall to the steering wheel. The persistent voice in my head jabs, Simon, you idiot, what have you done? What have you done?
10
Coming Out
“Well, hello, stranger,” says Carole from the couch, Sammy curled on her lap. “Where have you been?”
“Uh, yeah. I went to Starbucks after school to do my homework.”
“Oh, that sounds nice. So, I’ve been dying to know. How bad was it today?”
“You were right, it wasn’t too bad. I don’t know why I freaked yesterday.”
“Everything’s new, Simon. Everything’s different. Change is hard. You of all people know that, right? Give yourself time and don’t be hard on yourself. Your mom is working late again, so it’s just you, me, and Sammy.”
She scratches Sammy behind the ears, and he purrs loudly.
“What would you like for dinner?” Carole asks. “How about something creamy and comforting? I can cook up some gooey mac and cheese. If you put a salad together, I’ll whip up the mac. How about it?”
I give a tepid shrug, and Carole senses that something is amiss.
“Tell you what, let’s order pizza instead,” she says. “It’s too hot to cook. We’ll get your favorite, Armand’s. We can even get deep-dish.”
This brings a small smile to my face. I don’t tell her that I ate pizza for lunch. Carole wanting to make me feel better is all I really need now. Plus, truth be told, I never turn down pizza. She notices my smile and jumps up to get the carryout menu.
“What toppings would you like?” she calls from the kitchen.
“Get whatever you like. I don’t care. I’m going to my room to finish my homework.”
After my disastrous bubble tea affair, I need to get my homework started. And finished.
I’m in the middle of my homework when the pizza arrives an hour later, so I take my papers and textbooks to the kitchen table and continue working while I eat.
“Wow! They must dish out a lot of homework in Montgomery County schools. And it’s only the second day too!” Carole says. It’s clear she wants to chat, but I need to get this homework done, so I keep my head buried in my textbook. She takes out her book and eats her pizza in silence.
I look up from my homework and wonder if perhaps Carole is lonely. Mom always works late these days. Plus, I’m back in school, and when I’m not in class I’m with my friends (or drinking bubble tea with strange boys). I hate to think of her being alone. Most of my homework is done, so I offer to wash up the dishes we dirtied from dinner. Carole has been so kind to me the last two days, it is the least I can do. We turn on MSNBC and settle down in the living room to wait for Mom.
It’s nearly 9:30 p.m. when Mom comes through the door—the latest yet. Exhaustion is painted like raccoon eyes across her face. Carole tells her that we saved her some pizza, but she doesn’t want to eat. Mom steps into the kitchen with Carole, and they whisper back and forth. I can’t make out what they say.
