“Yes, go nap. Youlooklike you haven’t slept well.”
“Thanks, Mom. Appreciate it.”
“I’m just agreeing with you,” she said as I made my way down the hall.
I slept like the dead, without thoughts or dreams, and woke up disoriented, not sure what time it was or where I was for several long moments. The sadness was still there though. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. The blinds on my window were framed by light, so I knew it was still daytime. I draped my arm over my eyes, not sure why that thought made me even sadder.
Maybe it was because I knew I had to get up and check on my mother, cook her something for dinner that wouldn’t be good enough.
I crawled my way out of bed and to the bathroom, where I brushed my teeth for the second time that day and used the toilet.
My mom was where I had left her.
She gave me a single glance when I walked in, then was back to watching her show, some law drama.
I sighed. “Are you hungry?”
“For what?” she asked, because that might change her answer.
“I don’t know. Whatever I can find in the kitchen.”
“Okay,” she said.
I went there, opening the fridge and surveying our options. But then I shut the fridge with a sigh and turned to face her. “Mom.”
She glanced my way. “Yeah?”
I walked closer. “Will you turn off the TV?”
She looked around for the remote and eventually found it and clicked off the television. “What?”
I stopped myself from blurting out what I wanted to say and instead sat down and took a calming breath before I said, “I think you need to go to therapy. I think it would help.”
She gave me a look I’d seen on her face a lot in my life, disappointment combined with incredulity. “When I can get back to work in a couple weeks, I’ll be fine.”
“I don’t think you’ve been fine for a long time.”
“And you’re the picture of perfection?”
“No,” I said quickly. “God, no. I was actually seeing a therapist for a little while.” Sure, it was a fake therapist, but even that had been helpful. “Not for my things, but… long story. Anyway, it made me realize that I need to go back for real. I have a lot to work on. This being one of those things.” I pointed between the two of us.
“I’ve screwed you up? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes. But we all screw each other up. Dad and you and me and life and friendships and relationships. We all get dragged around, and we all have damage from it. Some of us worse than others.”
“I just need to get back to work,” Mom said, her hand gripping the remote like she wanted to forget what I was saying and watch her show.
“Okay.” I stood. At least I’d said something. I couldn’t choose for her, but I could choose for myself, and I was done having a toxic, guilt-ridden relationship with my mother. I would come when I wanted to and leave when I wanted to from now on. No more set schedules that I felt I had to stick to in order to prove to her I wasn’t going to abandon her. I had proven that to her time and again. Now it was her turn to put some work into this relationship. “I’m going back home after we get you a car,” I said.
“When can we do that?” she asked, the first excitement I’d heard in her voice in a while.
I looked at her cast-free leg. The doctor said it would be a little while before it was fully functional. “A week,” I decided.
CHAPTER 44
My suitcase was packed, all my clothes clean and rolled into perfect little rows. It was the only thing in my life that felt anywhere close to perfect right now. I shut and zipped it, then gave my room a once-over, to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything.
It had been ten days since I told my mom I was going to leave. One week ago, I’d helped her pick out a car. But it wasn’t until yesterday that her doctor finally cleared her to drive it. Which was why I stayed three days past when I said I would. I may have declared new boundaries, but I wasn’t going to leave her stuck at home. Yes, old habits were hard to break. Starting today, I would only visit when I wanted and leave when I wanted.
