Jace nodded. “I really wasn’t worried about that. I mean I’m worried that you’re hurting. But I think you’re more likely to suffer in silence and stillness than to show it outwardly.”
Khoth gave a quick blink, which told Jace he’d hit the nail on the head. “And you are worried about this.”
“No. Yes. No.” Jace shook his head as Khoth’s eyes widened in confusion. “Like I said I am worried about you bottling stuff up. But I’m not worried you’re going to suddenly explode during this meeting. Which would be fine, by the way. If you wanted to rant and rave at your mom and the Alliance for all their stupid, uhm, their illogical ideas about me and the Osiris.”
Khoth blinked again. “If such behavior would sway people to our side, I would engage in it. But I fear it would only alienate potential allies.”
“So I shouldn’t do it either?” Jace smiled tentatively up at him.
“You’re angry,” Khoth stated after long moments regarding him.
“Furious. Fucking filled with rage actually,” Jace admitted.
“Why?” Khoth’s voice was soft.
Jace bit his lower lip. “I swore I was not going to say anything critical about this.”
“I would prefer you to be honest with me,” Khoth replied. “And it appears that you are holding back emotions, which you claim not to be wise.”
Jace gave a rumbling half-growl which he mixed with a flash of a smile. “Okay, I think it's wrong that you are paying for other people’s mistakes. Your mother should be shaving her goddamned selchilite off! Not you! She should be the one that’s exiled while you should be lauded! There! I’ve said it! Now you know how I really feel!”
Khoth cupped his cheek, which had Jace freezing in surprise. He saw the faint glance that Khoth sent to make sure that no one was watching them. He was pretty sure that Khoth didn’t want their relationship to be a secret, but the Thaf’ell overall didn’t seem to be much into public displays of affection. Plus, Jace was his superior. He likely worried that for them to be seen like this would lose Jace respect or some such thing.
“I am honored you feel I am doing the right thing,” Khoth answered softly. His thumb lightly glided over Jace’s cheek leaving little bursts of electricity in its wake. “You are a highly moral person. Even though our cultures are different, I think we hold to some of the same values. You and I.”
“Uhm, yeah, I think so too. Like a warrior’s code and all,” Jace said, still having a bit of a hard time thinking of himself as a warrior and not the sick kid that had to watch everyone else play the hero.
“Yes, a warrior’s code.” Khoth nodded, evidently pleased with this description. “And your words also indicate that you care for me.”
“I do. A lot. I…” Jace grimaced again. He was doing a lot of that this morning. “I told you that from the first time I met you--”
“Yes, and I feel that way too. As if we have rediscovered one another,” Khoth interrupted gently. “Please do not think that I do not relish the adventure ahead of us, of the connections we will make, of the things we will discover and accomplish. I believe… I believe that this will be the most exciting part of my life. But change is hard.”
Jace was the one blinking now. Those simple words had his chest feeling tight and warmth rising behind his eyes. Change was hard. He was riding the wave of excitement into the next moment, the next him. But he knew that soon, very soon, he’d be leaving all he knew behind and he’d miss it. No matter how many good things were ahead of them, change was hard.
“I understand. You need to mourn what you’ve lost even if what replaces it is--”
“Better,” Khoth finished.
“Yeah.” Jace nodded.
“But right now neither of us can be worried about what we have lost. Our focus must be on the future and what we need to gain,” Khoth told him and the Thaf’ell seemed to grow less somber with each word. “This is a pivotal moment, Jace, for what is to come. I would not have you worrying about me in it.”
“That’s sort of impossible. I worry about people I care about,” Jace said with a shrug. “But I do take the point. I need to have my head fully in the game. At the same time, I can’t believe that no one else out there in the Alliance who doesn’t feel the same things I do about these rules.”
“I am certain that there are many who believe the Thaf’ell way is the incorrect one,” Khoth said, but he didn’t seem to think they were right. “But I am Thaf’ell, even if I am no longer Alliance, and I will observe them.”
“You really think that no Thaf’ell will feel it's wrong? Thammah does,” Jace said.
Khoth sighed softly and an affectionate smile crossed his lips. “Thammah is not like other Thaf’ell. Surely you know this?”
“And you aren’t like other Thaf’ell either.” Jace grinned.
“I do not know about that,” Khoth said humbly.
Jace drew in a deep breath to center himself. “Ah, now we get to deal with General Intoshkin and his belief that I’m Earth’s property.”
“Do you have a plan?” Khoth asked.
