Did you hope there would be some way to remain unexiled? The Osiris asked.
Khoth took in a deep breath as that question pricked him. But then he realized he was speaking to a machine, not Jace, not Thammah, not even Gehenna. The Osiris’ motives were unclear. And he had no duty to explain anything to it.
“That is not your concern.”
Anything to do with the Pilot is my concern. The words appeared so quickly that Khoth could feel the anxiety behind them. The Pilot has named you Commander. He wishes to engage in sexual intercourse with you. He has emotional entanglements with you. I will know your mind on all things.
Khoth lifted an eyebrow. “Only if I choose to tell you will you know anything at all.”
The blinking cursor was back.
Khoth cocked his head. He wondered if the AI was offended? Was it capable of being so? He was certain that Gehenna’s feelings could be hurt. But the Osiris? And yet its reactions around him were both to please and to interrogate.
Because it is connected to Jace and wants to please Jace, but keep him safe, Khoth realized.
He did not exactly regret his words to the Osiris, but they did not seem as easily justifiable now regardless of whether or not he could hurt it.
“Perhaps I did hope that my mother would see reason,” Khoth admitted. “That she would step back from the abyss.”
She did not, the Osiris stated succinctly.
Khoth winced internally. “No, she did not, which is why I am here to perform the Ulgegiarth Ritual now. I see that there is no path forward other than this one.”
Then is the space acceptable? The Osiris sounded eager in its wording.
“It is acceptable,” Khoth told the AI.
He had not thought to have the proper ritual space. He had assumed he would simply go into the bathroom and use his rahir to cut the beads off. He thought to do it quickly and rejoin Jace as fast as possible. He had told himself it was so that this personal issue did not impact his being there if Jace needed him and not because he did not wish to face the reality of being cut off from his family, his friends, his homeworld and at the mercy of people he had just met, no matter how familiar they felt.
But he had seen how Jace had dealt with his mother and the other Thaf’ell. Jace did not need his assistance. The young man had been stunningly ruthless and yet he had also been as kind as possible. They were juxtaposed and should not have worked together, but they had. Jace had offered his mother a way out, not just once, but many times. When she had refused his good faith offers, he had simply allowed her to make a fool of herself and the Alliance. Jace had stepped back and metaphorically watched her light herself on fire.
To threaten to attack civilians! His heart thudded sickly in his chest. The first blast was not aimed at them. But what about the second? And I do believe there would have been a second since Jace could not give her what she wanted.
A wash of despair went through him. Ever since Daesah’s death his life had turned upside down. Before he had been a proud Thaf’ell Commander, certain in his place, assured of Alliance superiority. But now? If he were honest with himself, things had not been how he had perceived them.
The Alliance did not have the ships and weaponry to defend itself, let alone fight the Khul. His sister had known this and sought a solution. His mother’s grip on the rank of High Councillor had been eroding for some time. His own progress had stalled in the ranks and he hadn’t been connected to anyone. In less than two cycles, he had connected more deeply to more people, accomplished more against the Khul, and learned more truths than he had in too long to remember.
Yet change was hard. Even a good change. And there was, of course, the not-so-good change.
I have no son.
He closed his eyes for a moment, absorbing those remembered words of his mother’s.
I have no son, he heard her emphasis on every syllable as if to drive them home to him.
He had betrayed her and, hence, the Alliance.
And I have no mother.
The truth was that his mother had always held him at a distance. Maybe she thought him weak. He felt too much. Followed his instincts instead of pure logic. But what people termed “instincts” were often the millions of different things that they had seen but not observed. Essentially, they were the facts that had not been weighed.
Whatever the reason, he had always felt distant from her. Now the formal rupture was there. He would no longer have to wonder how she felt about him. He knew. This caused him a strange relief even as his heart bled from it.
And there was a part of him that was glad he was no longer associated with her. He was ashamed of her. On so many levels. Her inability to know that she was emotionally compromised and take herself out of situations where more stress would be placed upon her was unconscionable. She had not just put herself in a bad position, but the Alliance, too. Councillor Ardath Ulgex would take advantage of this as would all his mother’s enemies and the Alliance would pay for that, too.
Why do you hesitate to perform the Ulgegiarth Ritual? The words formed on the wall across from him.
“I am preparing myself,” Khoth lied.
