I didn’t. That was a fact. So why was I in such shock? I expected his plans of playing again to be a fight between us. He took that away, and I felt like someone standing to give a speech and having the teleprompter quit working. All I had to say was, “I’m so relieved.” Three words. Instead, the Devil himself hijacked my brain to play devil’s advocate.
“You love the game. How can you just give it up? Players get hurt all the time. It’s part of the game. You know that. You’ve said it yourself a million times. Your team doctor said the chances of you being cleared to play next year are really good. This is your dream.”
Wow.What the hell, Lake!
Cage’s wide eyes said it all—I’d lost it. And I had. I just said everything I’d prepared for him to say to me.
“You want me to play again?”
No. The answer was no.
Say it, Lake. NO! Just say, no!
“Maybe… I mean…” I shook my head “…I don’t know. It’s not my decision to make.”
“It’sourdecision. This affects us, not just me.”
“I can’t make this decision.”
“But you’re trying.”
I shook my head. “I’m not.”
“Well, I just told you I’m not planning on going back and instead of relief… elation… I saw this epic disappointment on your face. Am I not appealing without my NFL status?”
“That’s not fair. You know the answer to that.” I stood, pacing the room to release some of the tension.
“Jesus, Lake. You saw everything before it fucking happened!”
“Exactly!” I stopped, fisting my hands at my sides. “And with Ben I saw nothing. For every right decision in my life there’s been ten wrong ones that felt just as right at the time I made them. I didn’t just lose my boyfriend and my leg. I lost my intuition, my confidence on a level far deeper than what meets the eye, and my instincts are shit!”
Cage sighed. “Just tell me what youwantme to do, not what you think I should do.”
I shook my head. “No. I can’t.”
“Why not?”
I sat on the coffee table in front of him with my legs between his. Taking his hands, I squeezed them, demanding helook at me. “If I weren’t in the picture, if you were single and in this exact situation what would you do? Would you give it up?”
It was still too early for him to answer honestly. His neck was still in a brace, his body was sluggish and off balance at times. Of course not playing again was the knee-jerk decision. But at some point he would feel better, stronger, and I had a hard time believing that he wouldn’t miss the game and regret his decision.
“You can’t answer me, can you? What does that tell you?”
Cage grumbled and grimaced like he wanted to shake his head at me, but his brace wouldn’t allow it. He stood, easing to his feet an inch at a time.
I grabbed his arm to help steady him.
“I’ve got it.” He pulled away. “You don’t understand and it fucking drives me crazy that you don’t.” Holding onto the back of the couch for a few seconds, he shuffled his feet along the floor toward the bedroom.
He was right. I didn’t understandanything,and it was a debilitating feeling to have such a disconnection from life.
CAGE
Yes.
The answer was yes. I would have done every stupid thing in my power to get back on the field had Lake not been in my life. The game was my love, it was the greatest tribute to my biggest fan—my father. I knew a ton of guys who played the game like it was their entire life. Live or die on the field… it didn’t matter as long as the last thing they remembered was the field—as long as they died with a helmet on their head.
That was me before Lake.
