“I’m sorry,” Dragon said, sincerity shining from his unusual violet eyes.
“Why are you apologizing to me?” Blade asked.
“I think we all know why,” Dragon said with more gentleness than he was used to seeing from the other man. “I should have thought before I acted.”
Dragging his hands through his short hair, Blade shook his head. “I get it. We all do. Sometimes the monster in us takes over, and we lose control. Cassandra could have died in the explosion, we all could have. We were lucky to walk away with minor injuries. Trust is still shaky when it comes to Whitney, even though we all know that she was just a child and was not responsible for being forced into the position she was in.”
“There’s no monster in us, Blade,” Steel said, serious now.
“You know what I mean,” he said with a shrug that was meant to be nonchalant but likely failed.
“No, I don’t,” Steel pushed. “We all thought we were monsters, and over these last few weeks we’ve begun to accept that we aren't. Dr. Gardner tried to control everything about us, including our thoughts, but he failed. Rose is proof of that, Cassandra is proof of that, Whitney is proof of that. Even though we know Whitney is technically responsible for changing the course of our entire lives, we’re also still capable of accepting that the circumstances surrounding that were outside of her control. Do you know why that is?”
“Why?” he asked, petulantly refusing to give the answer that they all knew.
“Because we aren't monsters. We were never monsters,” Steel said firmly, his gaze including all of them.
“I still remember the talk you gave me about Cassandra,” Dragon said. “You pushed me to go to her, to make things right.”
“That was different,” Blade protested.
“How?” Thunder asked.
“Because it’s easier to admit that the rest of you aren't monsters than it is to admit that I'm not. I feel like I am when it comes to her. The things I did to her … honestly, I don’t even know how she can stand to be in the same room as me, let alone look at me in a panic and ask me if I'm coming with her because she feels safer with me close by.”
“Dragon and I have both been there,” Steel said. “I made the final decision to go after Rose. I ordered her torture. I still don’t understand how she can love me back and have my bite mark tattooed on her skin. I know Dragon feels the same way when it comes to Cassandra. But I had to accept that I'm not a monster, Dragon had to accept it. I mean really accept it, not just pay lip service to it. Until you can accept it, too, you're never going to be happy.”
There was so much wisdom in those words, but how was he supposed to take them and internalize them? Make them his reality?
They didn't change the fact that he’d left permanent marks on Whitney’s body and soul, that he could never love her the way she deserved, that he would never in a thousand lifetimes be good enough for her.
Maybe he wasn't a monster, but he was a rough and tumble cowboy turned special forces operator, and she was a sweet and innocent genius virgin. How was he supposed to give her what she needed when all he wanted to do was corrupt her mind and body and make her like him?
January 13th
8:08 P.M.
So far so good.
Whitney had successfully avoided everyone for the remainder of the day.
After fleeing Blade after that mortifying non-kiss kiss, she’d found paper and pens in the study she remembered passing and headed back to her room. There, she’d spent a couple of hours writing out everything she could think of that the Delta Team guys might need to know.
Thankfully, with her high IQ came a good memory for details, and she hoped she’d given them enough to destroy Dr. Gardner and his entire operation.
Earlier, that idea would have scared her.
Once the scientist was gone, she would be on her own. It was why she’d asked for the self-defense training in the firstplace. Now, even though it had been a disaster, she felt so embarrassed, so stupid, that she almost wanted it all to be over so she could be off on her own.
While she’d been writing out her notes, her gaze had kept straying to the closed door to her room. This time she’d basically locked herself in, even if there was no way to lock the door from the inside, but she couldn’t help wondering if Blade was going to come and see her.
She really had to be stupid because what other reason could explain why she hoped Blade would come even as she dreaded seeing him again?
Was this what it was like to like a guy?
Did she like Blade?
She was attracted to him, yes, but she was still terrified of him, even though she’d kissed him. Honestly, Whitney was so confused she didn't even know how she felt about him. She knew he made her aroused, that overheated, tingly feeling was arousal, and she knew that when she’d kissed him she’d wanted to. Wanted him to kiss her back. Wanted him to do more than kiss her.
