“I’m moving back to Allagash.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes,” He says, putting the car in reverse. Once we’re on Route 11, I can’t hold it in anymore.
“Why did you quit?” I ask.
“For my family.” Dean answers, his grip tightening on the wheel, his knuckles turning white. “They need me.”
“What about whatyouneed, Dean?” I ask. “You’re always putting everyone else first. What do you want?” My statement seems to have hit him square in the chest, like a dagger through his ribs, straight to his heart.
“What my family needs is what I want.”
“You’re so stubborn! You’re really telling me you don’t want to stay in York Falls?” I ask. “You should start asking for what you want!”
“I—I do want to stay. But I can’t. I want you to be able to go to the pharmacy you like.”
“I don’t care about the pharmacy. I’ll find a new one.” I say, getting frustrated. All I care about is him.
“It’s not that simple, Madeline. My mom can’t take care of Sierra all on her own.”
“Itisthat simple! You quit, Sierra is about to be an adult, going off to college…You don’t even have a new job lined up!” I’m a shark, coming for blood.
“I was offered a job in Allagash.” Dean says flatly. “At the hospital.”
“What?” I ask.
“My classmate, Joseph, from pharmacy school works there. They said they’re desperately looking for pharmacists in the ER. There’s no sign on bonus, but it’s pretty damn good.”
“Oh.”
“It’s close to home. To Sierra and my mother.”
“I get it.” He’s made his choice, and it’s not me, as much as I want to convince him to change his mind.
Several hours later, once I’m standing in my driveway, I realize my porch light is still on from last week. The skies are dark, and I’m ready to take a shower and crawl into bed, and forget this week ever happened. And find a new pharmacy that delivers because I don’t even want to see Craig’s face again. Dean gets out of the van and rolls my suitcase around to me.
“So. This is it,” I say, looking at my feet. A week ago, we were strangers. Then we weren’t. And now strangers are all we’ll be again. “Good luck in Allagash.” I whisper.
“Look, Madeline,” Dean’s eyes meet mine for the first time in days. They sparkle with something wayward, even in the darkness, even after everything. “You’re going to be okay. Even without me.” I want to say that I won’t, that I don’t care aboutanything else if he’s not here. That I’m in love with him. That he doesn’t get it, I need him.
But I know that’s not the truth.
I’ll go on living. I’ll go on to see the other side of this. I always do the follow through. I’m always on the up and up. Maybe I’ll meet my prince charming with a huge penis. Maybe I’ll fly and move to Hawaii and live on the beach and drink fancy drinks out of pineapples and coconuts and if I do, whether he’ll ever know.
“Drive safe.” I tell him.
He ducks back into the van, and I climb up my porch, lugging the suitcase behind me, as the van starts rumbling again. From the top step, I watch Dean pull out of the driveway in one swift maneuver and disappear down the road.
What am I going to do now? I can’t just go back to normal. I can’t just pretend this week never happened to me. Forget everything with Craig and the pharmacy, I was in love. I was in love. For the first time since Andy died.
And I didn’t even fight for it. I let him drive away in a busted-up minivan.
I hold my face in my hands, wondering if this was the last time I’d ever see him.
Angry at myself, I pick up a week’s worth of newspapers from the floor of the porch, fresh tears falling down my cheeks that are sore from the cold. I’m so angry about how quickly things change, I throw all the newspapers down the steps in a flurry and turn towards the door, bonking my head on the hardwood.
I let myself in the house, and flip on the switch, and a dim yellow light illuminates a cold, dusty living room just the way I left it. Dropping my tote bag and coat on the floor, abandoning the suitcase by the doorway, and I sit down on the sofa. The rumble of the radiator startles me, and I kick myself for forgetting to turn the heat off while I was away.
