“I could like, get my stuff delivered.” I say.
“There’s like two delivery drivers in York Falls.” Dean gives a feeble laugh. “Craig would know it’s you.”
The implication brings a tear to my eye—I’m really going to have to uproot my entire routine…I wouldn’t be able to do the things I’ve done for the last five years. I can’t go to the pharmacy anymore. But maybe that would be for the better. I’m not the kind of girl who visits the pharmacy every day any longer.
“So, there’s no winning?” I ask. “Either way, I have to find a new pharmacy.”
We stare at each other in silence, the gears in my mind turning to see how we can make this work. So we can have it both ways. So Dean can keep his job to support Sierra. So we stay together and keep what we have going. It all leads up to finding a new pharmacy.
“I’ll get my license and buy a car. I’ll find a new pharmacy.”
“That’s great, Madeline, but?—"
“What?”
“I’m—” He starts, but my heart rate jumps up at the thought of what’s about to come next. Is he quitting?
“I’m moving.” He says quietly, like he just smacked me across the face. “I need to move.”
“You’re moving?” I ask. “Moving where?”
“Back to Allagash. It’s clear Sierra needs me to be present with her. She’s drinking, and she’s given up on college, and she needs me to be with her. It has nothing to do with you.”
Uncontrolled tears start streaming down my face, and I feel like I can barely move. How did I lose him when I just got him? I feel like I’m on a spaceship when the oxygen is getting low, launched far out in the universe, far from home base, no way to return. Standing at the edge of the universe, I watch Dean stand up and begin to walk away. He’s going to quit, just like that.
“Where are you going?” I ask, an echo floating in space. “Are you leaving now?”
“I’m just looking for a blanket, okay? I’m going to sleep in the living room. You sleep in the bedroom.” It feels like a non-answer. He returns with a large, knit blanket from the bedroom.
“We need to talk about this. You can’t just quit the job. Sierra needs the money for school. There has to be a way to make it work.” I say. We stand across from each other, inspecting one another, like we might each be standing on an improvised explosive device. I want to reach out and touch him, but he’s a raging inferno, and if I reached even an inch, I’d be burnt to dust and ash. I never dreamt about losing him.
“She needs me more than you do.” He tells me. “I can’t let her live like this.”
“Is this it?” I ask. The end, I mean. Before we could even really start.
“Yeah.” Dean can’t look me in the eyes, but his are all I see. His hair hangs in the way, caught in his glasses. I see small tears forming in the corner of his eyes. This stings. It’s a forest fire in the summer, blazing through the trees, and all I want to do is feel the seasons passing.
“You’re just giving up?” I ask, but all I want to ask is what about us? We swam, and swam, and we made it across to the shore.
“I don’t have a choice.”
“What about you? What do you need?” I beg. I want to tell him I love him, but I hide it away in the furthest corner of my heart. I will keep it all right here, buried in the crevices of my beating, fleshy aorta, and then one day, I’ll die too. “Don’t you want to talk about this?”
“What’s there to talk about? What options do we have? You have your house; your home is in York Falls. Andy’s life was there. Your life is there. You can’t just leave it.”
“Can you at least kiss me one last time?” I plead.
“Go to sleep, Madeline.”
“Please.”
He gingerly takes a step towards me, and wraps a hand around the back of my neck. Finally, he looks into my eyes. I see a million candlelit stars in them. This kiss will only turn into a memory that needs to be repressed—but he’ll just pretend it’s not happening until it’s over, and I’ll relive it for the rest of my days.
He presses an otherworldly, celestial kiss to my lips. I get a taste of a summer day, blue skies, sun-kissed skin and monarch butterflies—no porch light on to call me home, fireflies dancing in the woods, the soft, cool breeze of the clouds rolling by, all cloaked in joy.
Soon the sun will rise, and the romance of it all will be just as fleeting as it came.
I grab his waist, and pull him closer to me, begging him to deepen our kiss. The longer we stay like this, the further our inevitable pain remains. But still, despite my efforts, he pulls back.
