“I am!” Sierra exclaims quietly, before promptly retching all over the floor.
“Fuck, Sierra!” He quickly puts his arms around Sierra, who is coughing now. “Let’s get you cleaned up now, come on. Don’t wait up for me, Madeline.” He steps around the pool of vomit and closes the door.
I’m plunged into darkness once more. The thought of someone being sick in the house makes me anxious, but I lay back on the pillow at the head of the bed and crawl under the knit blanket Dean laid out for me.
I replay what just happened in my head. Dean and I just made out. I bring my hands to my lips, which are sore and tender from kissing so intensely. My first instinct is to feel guilty, but the feeling is soon overcome with how much I fuckinglovedit. I felt like my old self again—someone who isn’t preoccupied or consumed with anxiety or grief. I did what I wanted to do, notinhibited by the fact that Andy is dead or that I might keel over with infection.
I can’t help but laugh.
This is what I wanted for so long. To feel normal again and the fact I feel normal makes me feel like I’m high. I’m so giddy and my mind is racing so fast with the thought that I want to kiss Dean again and again, I don’t think I can fall asleep.
I roll over onto my side, clutching the blanket close, and I resolve to wait up for him. I picture his lips on mine repeatedly, on an infinite time loop, because oh, man, maybe this is all I needed in the first place. Another human to show me the way back to myself. I close my eyes, resting them for a brief moment. I try to reel myself back in, reminding myself that this takes time.
But for the first time in a long time, I’m at ease, for enough is enough. I may have started in the middle of the water, no end in sight, waves lapping at my face, but now I’m on the other side. I’ve made it. I swam across endless miles of pond, to the shore, and I’m running up the beach, sun on my face.
Last Time by Andy McKinney
Down and out, both eyes on the road tonight
Winding down the hill
Searching for my fill (winding down the hill)
Of something else (of something else)
Highway signs and gentle wind
The sun set low, Elton on the stereo
Baby, there’s nothing good in dying (nothing good in dying)
I just kept on driving (kept on driving)
Hopeless cases and loveless faces
Walking in circles in endless races
Baby, are you sure there’s nothing good in dying (good in dying)
I just kept on driving (kept on driving)
You see the forest for the trees (for the trees)
I can’t see anything but (anything but)
Anything but the leaves
If there’s something out there
I hope it’s still there (still there)
If this was the last time
I saw your face
I think I might keep driving
I think I might keep driving
