“I just am worried one day you’ll get sick of my shit and leave me. So maybe it’s better we don’t label anything.”
“Why would I leave you?” Jae asks, concern anchoring his voice.
“I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t remember what my personality is supposed to be. I can’t remember who I am anymore, and I feel like an inconvenience to you and the world.” Big tears tremble at the edge of my eyelashes.“Look at me, I can’t even say I’m your girlfriend without freaking out!”
“Riley, what are you getting at?”
I am already hyperventilating, and it’s only been a minute since he walked in.
“Riley.” Jae steels me. “Look at me.” He gestures his chest upwards, and then downwards. We breathe together, in and out. “Now tell me, what are you worried about?”
“What I’m trying to tell you, is that I want to be your girlfriend. But something about my grief, I can’t say it without feeling like I might hyperventilate and have a panic attack. And I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you because I still have so much grief.”
“I don’t care about your grief. I don’t expect it to go away overnight. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you do what you have to do.” Jae places two hands on my shoulders and before I can look away, my gaze is locked on his eyes.
“Give me a little credit. I won’t leave you.”
We breathe in harmony while I spill my secrets.
“I’m so scared that one day I’ll close my eyes and you’ll be gone,” I tell him. “I’m so scared you’re going to die too. Please don’t die, Jae.”
“That is no way to live, Riley.” Jae presses a kiss to my forehead and pulls me close to his chest. He puts a hand on my chin and pulls my face to look directly at him. “If I have any say in it, I will not die on you.”
“I’m so worried you’ll get tired of me loving the two of you.”
“I can share with him.” He laughs. “I’m not worried about him.”
“I’m worried you’ll be scared of all my tears.”
“Tears don’t scare me. I’m not a witch who will melt in the rain.” Jae rubs circles on the small of my back.
“I worry a lot, you know.” I bat back my tears.Iwill not cry. I will keep it together. I will keep it open. “It’s been a lot for me to do this.”
“All your worries are just what if’s, Riley.” He presses a gentle kiss to my cheek. “That is all they will ever be.”
Jae releases me but takes me by the hand and leads me to my sofa. He makes me sit down, and I hang my head like a wilted flower. He kneels and unties my sneakers and removes them from my feet. He places Lily onto my lap, and I hold her like my life depends on it.
“Is this about me looking for apartments? Riley. You have nothing to worry about with me. I won’t leave. You can count on it.”
He places his hands on my knees and waits for me to say something, to do anything.
Worry fills my chest to the brim.
He’s just saying that. I am an unbearable human filled with grief. How can I give him the love he deserves with all this grief? How can he be so patient?
“How can you be so sure?” I ask.
“Because I’m not a terrible fucking human being. I don’t understand where you got this idea that I wouldn’t be patient with you.” He is earnest and kind.
“From everywhere,” I tell him. Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be?
“Forget about everywhere but us.”
Jae himself has only ever shown kindness and compassion towards me. I have no real reason to be afraid he’d leave me. He paid my rent, for god’s sake.I don’t answer him.
“What would help you be less afraid?” he asks me.
“Time.” My voice is shaky and unsure, but I am settled on the answer. Time is the only thing to help so far.I’m dumping out the worry in my chest by the bucketful.
