“Maybe you should leave some clothes here,” I say absentmindedly.
“Yeah? That's okay with you?” Jae asks, as if I weren’t the one who suggested it.
“Of course,” I tell him. “I’m planning on having you spend the night again. It only makes sense.”
“You don’t mind me spending the night?”
“I love you spending the night.” The words slipped right out of my mouth, implying that I love him. Is it too soon?
“I love spending the night here, too,” He sets a perfectly fried egg on a plate in front of me, before opening my fridge, presumably to look for something to go with it.
“Why’s all you got in here…” He holds up my options. “Some moldy blackberries and ketchup?”
“I haven’t been to the grocery store lately.”
“Promise me we’ll go this afternoon,” Jae says. “In between my shifts.”
“I can’t. I have group therapy this afternoon.” I think it’s the first time I’ve told him.
“Group therapy for what?” His voice sounds concerned, not upset.
“Grief.”
“Oh.” He sets the frying pan down. “Is it really that bad?”
“No. But I like to go. It helps when it does get bad.”
“I’m glad it helps, love.”
“You don’t mind if I go?”
“Of course not. Go if it makes you feel better.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.” He nods, decidedly so. “We’ll go grocery shopping after the dinner service.”
“That would be really nice.” I shovel eggs into my mouth like I’m starving. Because I am starving. “Thank you for the money, by the way. You didn’t have to do that. I’ll make it up to you.”
“You’ve already made it up to me.” He winks and places the frying pan in the sink, two eggs on his own plate.
Jae takes a bite of his own breakfast. The smile on his face is clear. It’s perfection. As perfect as eggs can get anyway. There’s something so loving in the way he waits for me to finish my meal before he gets upandclears my plate.
When Jae leaves to get ready in his own apartment, I take a minute to breathe. A lot has changed for me in the last twelvehours. I had sex with another man. I kissed him. I initiated it.And I liked it.
18
Istep out into the heat of the early afternoon. April had come and gone in the blink of an eye, and it was already the first week of May. Spring was in full swing, and my allergies were acting up more than I care for them to. Riding the train gives me a chance to reflect on everything that’s happened. I feel guilty about it.
That’s what therapy is for, right?
I will get through it. I have to. I’m not about to give up what happiness I’ve just gotten because my brain can’t act right about this situation. I’m not married. I’m not with Grant.
I’m on my own.
I don’t know what I can do to convince myself that it’s true. For so long, I have acted like I was still with Grant, even when he wasn’t here. I knew it would take time to mentally separate us, even though we had been physically separate for so long, but I didn’t know how fast I wanted it to happen so I could feel comfortable about being with Jae.
I’m allowed to see other men. I’m allowed to be happy about it.
