“Why are you being such a…” I stumble and fall a little over my words.Come on, brain. “Such a little… Why are you being so aggravating?”
“I’m not aggravating. You’re aggravating.” Jae looks up at me. He’s got the widest, cheekiest smile. That prick. He knows he’s being aggravating.
“Please. Let me go in peace and give Rishi the nice date he deserves. You set me up with him in the first place,” I remind him, picking my brush back up to start painting the grassy foreground. Ihumphand wave my other hand at him. “You’re just jealous.”
For some reason, I want him to be jealous. What better way than to go out with his college roommate?When he doesn't answer, I know I’ve hit a sore spot. Is he really jealous? Then why’d he set me up with Rishi anyway? I’m curious to know now, and I feel like I’ve got the upper hand in all of this. I look back, and I see the swinging kitchen doors.
At group therapy, I sit down in my metal chair. Today’s topic: Setting Goals. What goals have we reached?
What’s one goal for next week?
Adriana goes. “I was the top earner for my company last week. But I want to be number one for the month.”
Then Owen. “I met my husband’s family for the first time since the funeral. I let them take some of his clothes and books. I’m thinking about letting them take part of his ashes.”
Marcus puts a hand on Owen’s knee. “We all know how hard letting things go is and how brave you have to be for that.”
Melissa goes next. “I’m engaged!”
I feel like I got kicked in the chest. I was engaged once too. Melissa has never been engaged.I feel like I want to panic, but I force the feeling away. Melissa is allowed to be happy.
Rounds of cheers and claps erupt from the group as Melissa shows off her new diamond ring.
“I think this is going to be my last meeting, everyone,” she also announces solemnly, her voice tinged with regret. “Keep in touch, okay?” She looks around the group. We nod as a promise.
“Riley?” Martina looks at me expectantly. My turn.
“I went on a date. Two actually. I ran out of one and spilled my drink on the other. My goal is to go on another date.”
“I think that’s an excellent goal, Riley.” Martina looks at me reassuringly.
“That’s great! We’re so proud of you. You should be proud of yourself,” the others chorus.
It’s not the response I expected. They didn’t heckle me. I’m not a court jester. I’m not the laughing stock of America's daytime television. Why did I think they’d be mean to me? Why was I so nervous? It’s how I treat myself.
On the way out of the group, I stop Melissa to congratulate her.
“Melissa!” I wave her down. She stops in the doorway. “I just wanted to say congratulations. And to ask for your advice on something.”
She looks at me once over. We’ve never really talked much outside of the therapy group.
“What’s up, Riley?”
“How did you deal with the guilt?” I gesture to her new, sparkly ring.
She looks at me for a moment, and her face turns.
“How did you move on?” I ask, eager to know the answer. If there is an answer.
“I didn’t, Riley.” Melissa answers, a sobering look on her face. “I didn’t move on. I just moved forward.” Melissa looks upset with me. “Why would you think I moved on? Because I’m engaged now?”
Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought.
“I carry Michael and my grief with me everywhere,” she continues. “But I know in my heart that I deserve to be happy. And I won't let it take over my life. You should be the same. Don’t be selfish to think that all you deserve is grief. Have a good night, Riley.”
I carry what Melissa said to me as I leave the church and get on the train. “Don’t be so selfish to think all you deserve is grief.”I know Grant would want me to be happy, even though we didn’t explicitly talk about it. I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
A direction, a sign, an instruction saying it’s okay.
