“Tell me where you want to belong, and I’ll take you.” Jae’s face tells me everything I want to hear. You belong here.You belong here.
“I want to belong here,” I say in a whisper, my voice carried away by the wind.
“You already do.”
“What if I don’t?” I say fearfully. What if I’m mistaken? I have nowhere else to go.
“Then we’ll go where you do.”
“What if this is all I am?” Grief and panic attacks and anxiety.
“This isn’t everything you are.”
Jae and I watch the city for an hour, sitting on the grass, not touching. I can’t believe he put his arm around me, and now that my panic attack has dispersed, all I want is his arm around me again. Jae’s words echo in my head andI look over to him. His elbows are resting on his bent knees, head in his hands, intently watching the skyline in front of him.
“Jae?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you,” I force my face into a soft smile. “I’m glad you brought me here. It really does put things into perspective.”
“Of course.”
“I will find my place. And I’m determined for it to be here.”
“I know it is, Riley.”
He returns my soft smile and stands up. He shakes the grass off of his pants and holds his hand out for me to grab. It reminds me of when I fell in the kitchen. He’s always taking care of me, already.
“Thank you for being a good friend,” I tell him, grabbing his hand, and shaking the grass off my dress. “Let’s go home.”
As we walk back to the bus stop, I ask, “How did you find this park?”
“I grew up here.” He points to a massive entanglement of Y-shaped apartment buildings. “The Queensbridge Houses. The largest New York City housing development. I grew up coming to this park.”
“I see. I don’t really know what to say other than it must have been rough.”
“My parents immigrated here in the eighties. We moved in and out of different homes for as long as I could remember. And then my father had an accident at work when I was twelve years old, and we moved here. He passed away shortly after that. My mom would have stayed here, but she can’t live on her own any longer.”
I listen to Jae.
“The only constant throughout my life was food. I was always kind of a punk kid, but my Ma wouldalwayscook for us. No matter what, we had to be home for dinner. And eventually, she taught me how to cook dishes she learned growing up, and the dishes her mother taught her.”
“So that’s how you ended up with a restaurant?”
“Yeah, that’s kinda how I ended up with a restaurant.” Jae gives me a sweet, strawberry smile.
Later that night, long after Jae and I said our friendly goodbyes in the elevator, I build up the nerve to apologize to Rishi.He really was nice.I was just an idiot.The thing about panic attacks is that they exhaust you—and make you worried for when the next one will happen. I am absolutely drained when I roll over in my bed, Lily at my feet, and open up my phone to type a message to him.
Hey. I got your number from Jae. I’m so sorry about earlier. I don't know what came over me.
Hey. I was wondering what happened to you. I’m glad you’re ok.
I took home your noodles BTW.
Totally fine. I hope I didn’t mess up too badly.
Do I dare ask?
