I look back to see him smiling. I feel the classic Riley blush starting in my neck and I hurriedly draw a generic figure for the rest of his body, leaning on an imagined door frame.
“There.” I hand him the sketch. Jae studies it dutifully.
“Again, amazing. I don’t know how you do this.”
“I studied for a long time, you know.” I did. I have a degree and years of experience after that. “I’ve been drawing and painting since I was a kid,” I lean back in the old office chair. “I don’t know how you cook like you do.”
“I’ve had a lot of practice, too.” Jae looks solemn for a moment before he says, “Let’s go back to the dining room.”
“Who taught you how to cook, really?” I ask, curious about how he knows how to make such fancy food.
“My appa—my father—taught me the basics. He passed away when I was a kid,” Jae answers.
“I’m sorry.” Of course, I am.
“It’s okay. It’s been many years now.” Of course, it has.
“I also learned a lot from my mother. And now she doesn't cook much at all anymore.” He shakes his head. We walk back down the hall, Jae folding up the sketch I handed him and tucking it away somewhere I don’t see.
I know that shake of the head all too well. It’s one I’ve done many times myself. The one where you feel like there’s nothing left to do, so all you can do is shake your head and hope it’s over with soon. But I know how to respond to this. I’ve been in his shoes. Grieving someone who is still alive is often harder than grieving someone who’s already gone.
“Do you cook for your mom often?” I say, trying to redirect him into a happy memory.
“I do. My mom still says I make my kimchi the wrong way,” Jae says, giving me a light chuckle in response.
“I’m sure she’ll get over it one of these days.” I elbow him.
“That is if she can remember who makes it. Her memory is kind of going these days.” Jae laughs at his own joke. “Humor is how I cope.”
“I totally understand.” I give him a gentle smile as we sit back at our table.
“You do? Have you lost a parent?”
“I haven’t, but…” I trail off. I’m not ready to talk about Grant with Jae. I don’t want things to change just yet. Then I think better of it, remembering he’s already lost his father. “I’ve lost others close to me. But I guess I don’t truly understand what it's like to lose a parent.”
“It really puts life into perspective when you have to take care of the people who are supposed to take care of you,” Jae tells me, putting a hand up to rub his temple. “Sorry to be a downer on our date.”
Our date.“Our practice date,” I correct.
“Yes, of course,” Jae quickly agrees. “Let’s find you a new guy.” Jae holds out his hand, and I assume it’s for my phone. I unlock it and open my dating app. I haven’t looked since earlier when I saw that Ethan unmatched and blocked me.
I’m happy to let this be out of my hands. Not just because of my guilt about dating again. I’d been working hard on not feeling guilty, repeating to myself: I deserve love. I deserve love.
“You pick him out. You even do the messaging. I’m hands off this time.” I hold my hands up in a surrender. “I clearly need help.”
Jae stares intensely at my phone. “You only talked to this Ethan guy for like two sentences before agreeing to meet him. You need to talk to them for like, at least a paragraph. That’s three sentences.”
“So?” I’m not sure what the problem is.
“He could have been a total creep! You need to vet these dudes more.” Jae scolds me like a little kid.
“That’s why I’m having you help me!” He just shakes his head at me, as if he’s had enough. I see him swipe furiously for a moment or two, before he shows me:
IT’S A MATCH!
Mason, 27, I’m a firefighter... I run into burning buildings to save complete strangers, imagine what I would do for you!
Mason looks like a firefighter, all right.
