“Can you move? You’re blocking my view.” My courage is totally washed down the drain after he turns on the TV.
“I’ll leave.” I head for the door. It’s hitting me that I’m actually disappointed.
“Wait, Riley,” Jae stands up after me. “I swiped on you on purpose.”
I stop with my hand on the door handle and turn around to face Jae, who is now standing in front of me. I must look extra pitiful because he continues.
“Just after seeing your date at Sheila's,” Jae hesitates. “You looked like you could use some help. You were just so…”
“Pitiful.” I offer. “Ridiculous. Depressing. Sterilizing. Men can feel their sperm drying up just talking to me.”
“No, you just need some practice.” Jae finishes.
“I guess I am a little rusty.” I study his face, wondering what went on inside his head.
“Respectfully, as a friend, I just want you to get laid, so you can stop scaring the fuck outta people in any establishment you walk into.” Jae grins. “Will you drink your smoothie and sit with me now?”
I shake my head with a quiet yes.We walk over and I pick up my glass. The smoothie is very tasty. Tastier than I knew bananas could be.
Jae and I sit on opposite ends of the sofa and watchStorage Warsin silence until late in the night. I can barely focus the whole time. Thinking about how freaking close Jae was to touching me. He fidgets the entire time.
“I should probably call it quits for the night,” I tell him when I can’t take it anymore. He’s so darn close, but so far away at the same time. All I wanted to do was crawl up to him and trace the lines of his tattoos showing through his sleeves.
Instead, I slip my shoes back on. Jae walks me to the door.
“See you tomorrow?” He asks.
“See you tomorrow.”
I mimic him with a small smile and wave goodnight. Jae watches me patter down the hall from his door and is still watching me as I get in the elevator. It isn’t until the elevator doors snap shut that I realize I’m fucked. I have a crush.
***
The next morning I wake up feeling like I have cement blocks tied to my feet. I’m simultaneously dreading and looking forward to seeing Jae. It’s not like heknowsI have a crush. Only I know. And I’m determined to squash it like a mean little kid does a roly poly bug.
I dress in my coveralls—possibly the least appealing thing I own—and tie my hair up in the world’s most unkempt ponytail. It’s go time.
I start my routine of praying I run into Jae in the lobby, and I don’t. That man must wake up at the literal ass crack of dawn to avoid me because it’s already 7:00 a.m. On the subway ride, I swipe through an assortment of men who, in my mind, lack the heavenly male sex appeal and god-like charm of Jae.What’s with me?
I feel like I am fifteen again. It’s so sweet I feel rotten. This is the first time since I met Grant that I’ve let myself indulge in and relish a crush. I knew love was a universally occurring, neurotic symptom of living life, but I am shocked with how much I missed being in love and being infatuated with someone. There is something about looking forward to seeing another person that makes you feel like yourself again. And something about Jae’s cheerful, optimistic outlook makes me look forward to seeing him.
I get off the subway and walk straight past Sheila’s Café, not bothering to see if Jae is there, and straight to The Red Kettle. I am here to work. Not flirt, not chit chat, and not nurse a dead-end crush on my neighbor.
It is only 7:20 when I arrive and Jae is not here yet. I lean against the door, taking in the seasonably warm spring air. I flash back to last night.Being fed his handmade cuisine. Accidentally on-purpose seeing him in a towel. Who answers the door in a towel if they don’t want to make an impression?
What do I like so much about this specific man? And how could I find it in someone who isn’t my friend, living in my old apartment? I like talking to Jae. He doesn’t look at me with pity like my parents do. He isn’t jaded or mourning like the folks in my support group. He treats me like a real human being.
Being in mourning and grieving had been part of my personality for so long, I don’t know who I am without it. But when I’m with Jae, I feel more and more like my old self.
We don’t talk about how I’m doing mentally. We don’t talk about how I’m healing or how long it’s been since my anniversary or if I mustered up the courage to go through old photos.
Ever since Grant died, I couldn’t tell if people actually liked me or if they felt bad for me. But it isn’t like that with Jae. He likes me for me, or so it seems. And he cares that I may not look my best even when he has only known me for a short time.
Now,that’swhat I’m looking for in a guy. Not a dickwad who gets mad that I spilled some tea by accident and unmatched me after without even giving me a chance to apologize.
It’s 7:35 and Jae still hasn’t arrived. I’m debating on giving him a call. I want to get a jump on painting to get over my jitters about everything that happened last night. Another ten minutes pass, and I’m about to dial his number when I see him walking up the sidewalk.
“Hey!” I shout towards him, my arm raised in a half wave. “Everything okay?”
