We sit there, knees touching. The mirrors around us catch our reflections, like the universe is holding up a hundred angles of the same moment and daring us to do something with it.
“You should know…” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “It won’t be just a kiss for me…”
Fuck consequences. I’m letting the other shoe drop. I’m mentioning the monster that ruined our lives. If this was still Ma’s world, every touch would be a transaction. But this ismychoice now. So if I kiss him, it’s because I want him. Not because anyone told me to.
After another inhale, I let out a shaky sigh, still shutting my eyes from the world, from the mirrors, from him.
“I have serious feelings for you,” I confess with all my fucked-up heart, “so if you take me up on my offer, it means I want the real thing with you.”
I can’t open my eyes, even when I hear Nil breathe deep. If I blink my eyes open now, pretty sure I’ll cry.
“I’m sorry you had to hear this from the son of abitchthat took everything from you…” I whisper, shakier by the word. “I’m so sorry I didn’t—”
“Stan.” His hands are holding mine. I didn’t even realize I was trembling so hard until I relax a little under his touch. “Don’t youdare take the blame for what Clo did. She…”
Nil’s breath stalls like his lungs stopped working too. That fuckingterrifiesme.
I saw him fall. Watched the smoke in the sky. Saw the waves get stained red.
Blinking the tears away—embarrassment be damned—I cup his face, staring at him. Gotta make sure he’s breathing. Can’t have him leave me again.
“Hey…” I can’t hide the concern in my voice.
“I’m okay,” he says, looking back.
“You sure?” I whisper, wiping my tears with my other hand.
He grabs both of my hands. “Don’t worry about me, Stan. All I need you to do is hear me out.”
Like a miracle, I don’t talk. I let more tears spill. I let him catch them with his thumb. But I’m listening.
“Do you really think you had any say with what Clo did to me? To my sister? My family? The rest of the world?”
My eyes take in how serious he looks.
“Or toyou?” he asks. “You think you could have done anything?”
Creasing my brows, I hear how weak my voice comes out. “I could’ve…stopped Kys, but Ineededit.”
He hisses. “Stan, do you even know why you needed Kys?”
I think about it but come up short. So I shake my head.
“I read all her files,” Nil says, voice so vicious it almost stops my heart. “You were thirteen.”
All that granola’s sitting heavy in my stomach like rocks instead of grains.
“Thirteen,” Nil whispers, sounding so hurt. “That’s when she started putting Kys in your food. She’s yourmother, and she fed you fuckingdrugsto shape you how she wanted. Youneverhad a say.”
This time, it’s my throat that feels like it’s not working.
“You were groomed, Stan, to be another weapon for her,” Nil says, pained. “Another puppet.”
He sounds so pained that all I wanna do is take it away from him.
“She wanted you to be loyal to her.” Nil snarls. “Don’t you see? How can you blame yourself over what your mother forced you to be?You had no choice.”
For some reason, I can’t see him well. Not anymore. Not until I force a blink and feel more tears run down my face.
