Willow’s lips turned down in a pout. “But I’m going to miss you so much. Will you come to visit?”
Although I knew the answer to her question was no, it broke my heart to disappoint her. “Maybe one day.” I bent down to her level. “Will you help Uncle Rev with Poe? It won’t be much longer before he’s ready to be released.”
“Yes, I will. I promise.”
I pulled her into my arms. “Be a good girl for your mommy and daddy. I know you’re going to be a wonderful sister to your brother.”
“I will.”
I kissed the top of Willow’s head and then slowly pulled away. Beth stood behind us, a stricken look on her face. I don’t know if it was because of Willow or because of the weight of the emotions, but neither of us spoke. Instead, our eyes conveyedeverything we needed to say. Beth wanted me to know that Rev was struggling with his feelings. But the tears in my eyes let her know he had made his intentions clear. He wasn’t fighting for me…for us. So there was nothing left but to go.
She put her arms around me and hugged me tight. I clung to her, realizing how close I had grown to her in the last month. She was the mother I wished I had—the kind where if fairy tales were true, I would have wished for. But this was real life.
In fairytales, this would be the moment Rev swooped to my side and told me everything I wanted to hear. He would hoist me into his arms and carry me back into the house where we would live happily ever after.
But this was real life. And I had already learned how much real life could hurt you.
When I pulled away from Beth, I let the sobs overtake me as I power walked over to the waiting limousine. I slid inside without looking back for him. At the sight of my tear-streaked face and chest heaving with sobs, my mother recoiled back into her seat. “Annabel, honestly,” she chided. I knew she was at a loss to how I could be so bereft at leaving such people.
She would never understand that within the small walls of Rev’s house and among the salt of the earth people who were his family, I had learned how to truly live for the first time.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: REV
Sometimes we find ourselves damned to hell by outside forces. But then sometimes we are the very ones who damn ourselves. The burden of suffering I had taken on after Annabel left was of my own doing, and I had no one else to blame but myself. Doing what I had assumed was the right thing had never been so wrong.
Since I had never been one who couldn’t admit his mistakes, I tried calling Annabel several times. Each call went unanswered until the number was changed altogether. My wounded male pride then overrode any other overtures I should have made to make things right between us. Instead, I did the immature thing and drowned my sorrows in Jack Daniels.
My days and nights became a boozy haze. I slept until noon, and I didn’t show up for work at the pawnshop. I basically became a walking dead, or I guess more aptly a dead man walking. The only time I took life seriously was when it came to the club and club business.
No one could reach me. Deacon and Bishop talked, yelled, and cursed until they were blue in the face. Even Alexandra tried using her feminine approach to get through, but I was a hopeless case. No one was more frustrated by my behavior than I was. Buteach day as I poured a new glass of Jack, I reasoned that what I had done was for the best for both Annabel and me. She’d had one traumatic life experience, so she sure as hell didn’t need to end up with me. I could only imagine her waking up one day and looking at me with a regret that would have broken my heart even more than letting her go.
Mama Beth was the only one who didn’t try talking to me. I think she was so disgusted by what I had done concerning Annabel and what my life had become that she was for once washing her hands of me. Of course, her disappointment wounded me deeply. One day three months after Annabel had left, I lashed out at her in a way I never would have believed myself capable of. After talking it over with Deacon and Bishop, we had all decided it was best not to tell Mama Beth about my rape. As sensitive as she was, it would be too horrific and painful for her to have to endure.
But in my drunken, self-loathing phase, I forgot all about that. Since I was surviving on a liquid diet, she had brought lunch to my house. I never intended to let her in, but she had a key of her own. Being her stubborn self, she had come on in and promptly poured a pitcher of cold water on my ass to get me awake. To get her off my back, I had finally come out to the kitchen.
When I peered down at the table, a simple piece of her chocolate cake set me off. “What the fuck is that?” I demanded.
Mama Beth’s blue eyes popped wide at my language and tone. “Why it’s chocolate cake. Your favorite.”
Once upon a time, it had been my favorite. After my attack, I could barely stomach it. But to keep the secret and the peace, I would smile and eat it, only to excuse myself and throw it up moments later. Too much had happened for me to do the same thing now. Lunging forward, I grabbed the cake and tookit straight to the trash. I slammed it down into the trashcan so hard that the plate popped up before falling down.
“Nathaniel, what are you doing?” Mama Beth asked in her most concerned voice.
“You know what happened to me because of chocolate cake?”
Mama Beth shook her head. “You’re out of your head drunk and not making any sense. Please eat something. I made all of your favorites.”
“Always trying to make things right with food, aren’t you Mama?” I snapped.
“Nathaniel, I do not like your tone or your attitude. I know things have been strained between us since Annabel left, so I came down here to try to make things right.”
“So you brought me some good ol’ chocolate cake.” I laughed a little maniacally. “One baked cake never cost me so much…or us so much.” I staggered towards her. “Do you remember years and years ago when you asked me to take a cake down to Miss Mae’s?”
“Yes,” she murmured, her forehead creasing in confusion.
“Miss Mae wasn’t home. Instead, a vagrant named Kurt was there. He drugged me and dragged me into her bedroom where he raped me!”
Mama Beth gasped in horror, her eyes widening to the size of dinner plates.
