Then it hit me. Hearing Deacon and Alexandra’s announcement about their baby boy had sent me spinning. Like an idiot, I thought alcohol would fix things—like some sort of liquid bandage for my broken soul. But in the sober light of day, I still had to face the fact that it would take nothing short of a miracle for me to become a mother.
Rubbing my shirt above my bruised heart, I gazed around the room. Memories from Rev bringing me in last night came flooding back to me. We had danced. And then I had kissed him. Just when I wanted to feel extreme remorse for what I had done, I remembered he had kissed me back. He was a good kisser too from what I remembered.
But then I couldn’t ignore the fact he had pushed me away before things had gone too far. Of course, it appeared to be under the pretense of him having to take care of business. I wondered if he had ever returned until I peered down at the bed and saw the indentation of his body.
As I climbed out of bed, I wondered what was going through his mind this morning. He was noble to fault, so I imagined he would be feeling the remorse that I probably should be. Although only a month had passed since my the Raiders had freed me from my captivity, I was ready to move on. My therapist encouraged me to try and move forward in all aspects of my life from school to my ability to trust men. During oursessions, the mantra that not all men were evil and were going to hurt me was something we frequently repeated. It was hard to overcome the urge to feel threatened in a strange man’s presence. While we had yet to work through how a future love life might work for me, I couldn’t help being confused as to why my love life seemed to still need blocking with caution tape.
At the end of the day, Mendoza would haunt me until I was able to give myself emotionally and physically to another man. Part of me wondered if the longer I waited, the longer I allowed emotional scar tissue to build up. Many victims of trafficking and rape were in relationships or married, so it wasn’t like they put on a habit and went to their local nunnery. They had to work through the emotional landmines to reconnect physically with their partners.
I felt I had spent the last month getting to know Rev on such a deep level that I was ready to risk a relationship that went further than friendship. I just didn’t know how to convince him that his steadfast image of me as a cracked china doll wasn’t who I was.
After running a brush through my hair and improvising without a toothbrush, I decided to go in search of Rev and some strong coffee. When I got to the end of the long hallway, I faltered at the sight of all the strangers milling around the front room. Closing my eyes, I inwardly chanted,You can do this. These people are Rev’s family. They won’t hurt you.
My eyes flew open at the sound of a familiar voice. “Morning Uptown Girl,” Bishop said with a wave. His warm grin instantly put me at ease.
“Morning, Bishop.”
“You hungry?” he asked, as he came to meet me.
“A little. More than anything, I’d love some coffee.”
“Come on. I’ll take you to Rev.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Bishop.”
Whenever I met the eye of one of the Raiders or their old ladies, which was still a hard term for me to get used to, I received a nod of the head or a friendly smile. I didn’t know if they were being kind because of what I had gone through or because I was with Rev, so to speak.
When he caught sight of me, a range of emotions flashed across Rev’s face. After settling on the one that seemed he was glad to see me, he came forward and gave me a hug. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” I replied, as I squeezed him tight. His usual manly smell was mixed with coffee and bacon, which made me feel both comfort and longing.
When I pulled away, he appeared apologetic. “Sorry I left you this morning, but you were sleeping so peacefully I hated to wake you up.”
“It’s okay.” With a sheepish grin, I added, “I definitely needed to sleep off the alcohol.”
He laughed before turning to pour me a cup of steaming coffee. “Have some of this while I fix you a plate.”
Leaning back against the counter, I blew tiny rivulets in the black liquid to cool it off. At the same time, I kept an eye on Rev as he went about getting my food. I thought when he was around a large group of his brothers, he might shy away from openly taking care of me. Like somehow it would be seen as him being pussy whipped. But the one thing I most loved about Rev was how he never put people’s opinions of himself above being his kind, caring self. It was truly endearing.
When he came back with a plate heaping with portions of bacon, eggs, and hash browns, my eyes widened. “You can’t be serious.”
“You need some good greasy food after all that alcohol.”
Glancing down at the plate, I said, “But I couldn’t eat all of this even if I didn’t have a weak stomach from drinking.”
Rev winked. “Just eat what you can.”
“Okay.”
After placing a hand on my back, he led me out into the main room. We sat down at a table with Deacon, Alexandra, and Bishop. “What did you think of last night?” Alexandra asked.
“It was interesting.”
Bishop snorted. “Interesting how?”
I chewed thoughtfully on a piece of bacon as I tried to put into words what I had experienced.
Misjudging my silence, Deacon said, “It’s okay if you didn’t like it, Annabel. This life ain’t for everyone.”
