I cross my arms. “I had nothing to say”.
“Well, I had plenty to say, starting with several questions, including why the fuck you knew where to start looking for her. What does that have to do with anything?” He sucks in a deep breath, and I know what’s coming before he says it. It’s the same thought that haunts me every night. “Did Dale get kidnapped because of something you did?”
I shrug; not because I don’t care, but because I can’t. I’m already drowning, and there’s no way out now. “She’s not a part of our world. She never was supposed to be. What happened to her was because of your misplaced interest, because you made her your weakness. Because make no mistake, Mateo—” I step toward him, punching my nail into his chest for effect, “she’s nothing more than that. A weakness.”
“Do you fucking hear yourself? Are you really that much of a monster?” Mateo’s voice rises in disbelief, but what’s new?He doesn’t believe a thing I say; why would I try to explain now?
“I am what they made me. I won’t apologize for that, because someone in our family has to be strong, and lord knows it isn’t you.” Mateo will never know what I’ve done to help our family, what I’ve given up, and I’ll never tell him—it’ll forever be a wall of ice between us.
“How did you know where she was?”
“That’s not the question you should be asking.”
“That’s enough, Valentina. This isn’t the right time.” McCrae makes a move to step between us, and his brother advances in a show of allegiance to Mateo. It’s a gutting sight, and I don’t have the heart to look over my shoulder. McCrae raises a hand in submission. “I’d never hurt Mateo, brother.”
“You hurt me plenty,” Augustus growls, and I have half a mind to ask if he knows everything his brother’s done in order to protect him?
Over Mateo’s shoulder, another shadow emerges onto the deck, and my knees threaten to buckle beneath me.I can’t see her—I can’t be around her.Even in the dark, she radiates a light demons used to the darkness of hell like me cower from. She’s what’s good and right in the world.She’s everything I’m not.
“Do you really think you’re helping her?” I beg, my voice growing more hysterical.
“Yes,” Mateo states with a certainty that crushes me. I can’t tell him what I’ve been through, butmaybe I can help her in the only way I know how.
“You’re crippling her, Mateo.” My lips quiver as I bite out the rest of my confession, my eyes latched to hers even in the darkness. “You think I’m strong and powerful because nothing bad ever happened to me, because you somehow protected me from the worst? You have no idea what I’ve been through. But Ican tell you I’m strong because not one other person was there to fight my battles for me. I had to learn to do it for myself. You’re crippling her, ruining her chances of ever healing. I do regret what happened to her; no one should have to go through torture like that. But it was not my fault. Not really.”
I watch her face crumple in the darkness, and hate floods me like a wave washing over a shore in a late night storm. It drags me deeper and deeper into the darkness, and I can’t help but wonder how I’ll ever breathe again.
“Why are you here?” Mateo pleads, and I snap.
“I couldn’t take this pathetic mess a moment longer, Mateo! You haven’t really been to the casino in months. You’ve wanted to do nothing but play pretend with your broken barbie doll. You’re better than this, Mateo. You’re stronger!”
It’s not the whole truth, but it’s the only truth I can give him. If the casino fails, then everything I’ve ever done, everything I’ve ever given up, was for nothing. And without that, I’ll die.
Mateo’s face melts into a bone deep sadness I wish I could comfort, but I wouldn’t even begin knowing how. He nods, hanging his head. “I’ll be there early tomorrow. I’ll plan to stay as long as necessary, to get things organized and back on track.”
I shake my head, my bones aching tired with the weight of my anger and devastation. Not for me, but for the life I know we can never live, for the life I gave up when I was fifteen and my dad took me to work for the very first time. “You don’t get it. You have to be all in. That’s always been the deal. People like you, and I don’t have a choice. Send her home, Mateo. Let her have a life that doesn’t include you and all your baggage. She’s not one of us.”
Augustus steps around Mateo again, his face devoid of emotion as he looks at McCrae and me. “I think it’s time you go. You too, McCrae.”
My eyes find Adalene’s once more, and I fight the overwhelming urge to vomit, or crawl on my knees and beg for absolution. Instead, I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood and then face Mateo one last time, “You might see me as the villain in your tragic life, Mateo, but as the only person who’s ever truly sacrificed for our family legacy, I can say this without remorse. You’re fucking up, and if you don’t figure it out soon, you’ll ruin the chance of anything good in your life. I would know. Try being happy with the privilege you have instead of yearning for something you'll never get. It’s pathetic and beneath you, and it’s going to ruin her life.”
It’s not what I mean, but it’s what I say anyways.
And my heart shrivels completely as I watch the fight leave Adalene’s eyes a second before she turns around and quietly slips back in the house.
The silence filling the cab of my car is near deafening, a steady roar that threatens to make my ears bleed. The hum of the tires against pavement changes to a louder, clunkier thump as I drive over the enormous steel bridge tying Texas to Oklahoma. Tears, scalding hot and rage filled, pour down my cheeks, but I don’t wipe them away.
I white knuckle the steering wheel, my vision blurry as I try to make out the shadowy blue haze of early morning. Flicking my gaze to the left and to the right, my intrusive thoughts scream at me to yank the wheel—either way’s fine.Just end it.
I scream as I allow the wheel to drift to the right for several moments before I yank it back to the middle, correcting the tires.Why can’t I just do it?What am I so afraid of?
There’s nothing here for me anymore, and whatever lies on the other side can’t be worse.
“Stop being so fucking weak, Valentina, and end it.” I sob to no one, and for the second time, I begin to drift to the right. I can do this. It’s what I want.It’s what I deserve.
Right as the railing comes into full view, fear pierces me like an ice cold blade, but instead of hitting the brakes, I smash the gas. “I am not weak,” I scream once more.
But before I can fully accelerate, there’s a dark blur to my left, whizzing by at alarming speed before pulling in front of my headlights.And fucking stopping.
