April 1st, 2026
We should have visited long ago.Rafael’s done so much to help me heal. Being here, with him—it’s the least I can do.
I wish I could go back to that day and do it all over.
I wish Rafael’s family was here, and we could celebrate the holidays together.
I wish, I wish, I wish…
But then, would I have met Rafael? Would I have healed from old traumas I thought I’d drag with me like bricks through the frozen winter of my life forever? Would I have found love and joy and peace?
I hate that one had to be at the expense of the other.
“You okay?” I rub reassuring circles over Rafael’s back, the icy, salt-filled breeze sweeping off the tides cutting through my clothing like frozen fingers. He nods but remains silent, and my heart squeezes. “I wish—” The words die off.
I’ve no good words to say, no way to take back all the horrible things I’ve done. I do wish his family was alive, but I’d never wish he wasn’t in my life.
Healing these last months has allowed me to realize life is full of greys—bad people are good for the right reasons, hurting can result in the sweetest relief, and fear is the quietest form of bravery.
Life’s never black and white.
I pause my rubbing, staring out into the waves as they angrily crash against the shore. The ocean’s both powerful and unknown, and yet it never fails to greet the sandy shore with soft, loving waves. It’s fathomless and mysterious, yet beautiful beyond reproach.
I like to picture Jose’s ashes out there, dancing and shimmering with a light that’s untamable, just like the one shining within the man beside me—a lighthouse beckoning the lost and lonely spirits home. If he was anything like Rafael, he’s a welcome sight, a savior wrapped in common clothing—approachable, warm, and kind.
“I can hear you thinking.” Rafael chuckles, his hands reaching back to intertwine with mine.
I grip his hand tightly, hoping to hold on to him and everything we’ve built together.
Being honest with myself, I was terrified to come here today. It felt a lot like dragging through old wounds, opening the healed flesh to see the festering beneath.
What if he remembers what I’ve done, how evil I truly can be, and leaves me?
“V, baby, talk to me.” His voice is calm, and I take a shaky breath.
“I should be the one comforting you.”
He shrugs, but waits.
Susan’s words come bubbling to the surface, and I’m reminded it’s not my job to always say the right thing. “I’m scared,” I admit, the words both terrifying and freeing.
His fingers tighten around mine, and I reluctantly meet his mossy green gaze. “Of what?”
“Losing you. Losing us.”
His eyes soften. “You won’t.” There’s such assurance in his voice, I want to believe him, yet the nagging whisper in my head just won’t let up.
"Doesn't being here bring up old feelings for you? I did this—” I sweep out in front of us with my free hand, and Rafael’s gaze hardens. “I?—”
“Please stop, V. I understand your fears, but you’re not the girl I thought you were. You never were that girl. What happened to Jose was an accident. It was an unfortunate piece of a twisted, dark tale that you played only a small part in.” His throat bobs as he searches for his next words, and I don’t so much as blink. “Yes, it’s painful being here, but not because I miss my family, not really. I miss the boys we were before the world destroyed us.”
I bite my lip, tears threatening to burn down my cheeks.
Rafael drops my hand, and I instantly feel the loss of his heat as the chill coats my bones. Once, I would’ve loved the icy breeze of the ocean, its cutting edge raking across my skin. Now, when I’ve become so used to the warmth of Rafael’s embrace and my heart’s finally begun to thaw, the chill is more than I can stand.
I watch him reach around in his pocket and withdraw a small, folded piece of paper. He stares down at it for a long moment, his throat bobbing, and my heart threatens to burst. Seeing him in such pain is worse than any torture.
How can I fix this?
