Guilt weighed me down. I’d been so busy swooning on the phone that I’d gotten distracted from what mattered most—being there for my aunt.
Ending the call as I opened my aunt’s door, I found her sleeping soundly and the TV remote control and her Bible on the floor. In the glow of the reruns on the screen, she looked peaceful. I picked up everything from the floor and then watched my aunt carefully. Her cheeks were hollowed and her body looked frail, but she was just sleeping.
Thank God, I exhaled heavily.
Blinking back tears, I quietly backed out of the room, closing the door.
The thought of something happening to her was terrifying, but the guilt of being distracted and happy while she was in the next room hurting, or in pain, or dying was soul crushing.
Climbing into bed, I remembered what Aunt Addy had said about not feeling guilty. But I couldn’t help it.
Lamar Anderson:Everything okay?
Jazmyn Payne:I heard something fall and I was worried. But it was just some stuff she had on the bed.
Lamar Anderson:Okay good, I’m glad to hear it. Your voice sounded off, so I just wanted to make sure.
Jazmyn Payne:Thank you for checking on me. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I have to wake up in five minutes.
Lamar Anderson:You don’t ever have to thank me for checking on you. And if you need anything, let me know. Even if I can’t be there, I can send whatever you need. Get your rest.
Jazmyn Payne:Thank you, Lamar. I appreciate you saying that. Good night!
Lamar Anderson:I mean it. I got you. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I’m here. Good night.
I momentarily closed my eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. His words swam in my head and my heart. Trying not to think about the way he affected me, I connected my phone to the charger and then pulled the sheet over my shoulders. I didn’t have the words to fully describe how his energy made me feel. All I knew was that I wanted to go to sleep and forget the conflicting feelings that stirred within me.
Go to sleep, I chastised myself as I tossed and turned.
Waking up early for that first class was tough, but the happiness on my aunt’s face when I returned made it worth it. The warmth I felt wasn’t riddled with guilt, and I let that keep me too busy to have phone conversations with Lamar. Fortunately, or unfortunately, preseason kept him too busy to call until two days later. I told him I couldn’t talk, but I could text. That was my excuse for the next few days because I couldn’t bring myself to get on the phone with him. Even though I texted with him every night and thought of him every day, hearing his voice would be too distracting.
And I couldn’t afford to get distracted.
“What do you have going on over there?” Aunt Addy asked as I’d just texted a goodnight message to Lamar.
“About to go to bed so I can be ready for my lesson on techniques in the morning.”
Her smile grew. “You seem so much more confident about your lessons now.”
I nodded. “I am.”
By the end of the first week, I felt like I had become much more comfortable in the water. When I told Aunt Addy over Sunday dinner, she said she wanted to see me swim. So, on the Monday of my second week, much to Monica’s displeasure, Aunt Addy was in attendance. It was the first time she’d been out of the house in a while. Other than us sitting in her backyard, enjoying the garden, she hadn’t wanted to leave the comforts of home until now.
“You’re getting good,” Aunt Addy complimented me as I climbed out of the pool. “You have one week down, and you’re already looking like a mermaid.”
Laughing, I wrapped my towel around me. “A mermaid?”
“Yes, very beautiful. Very little leg movement. All arms.”
I cackled. “Okay, but I’m getting better! I’m convinced I’ll be able to swim before I leave Chance. Me and the water are becoming one.”
“I believe it! Speaking of water, have you talked to your friends? I thought after our talk last week, I would’ve heard you on the phone with someone.”
I froze, caught off guard by the question. “Um, I’ve sent some texts.”
“Have you told your friends or Lamar that you’re a swimmer now?”
“Yeah…” I studied her face. “Where did that come from?” I asked, confused.
