I nodded, fighting back tears. “I mean, I’m not avoiding my friends. I texted Nina and Aaliyah.”
“What about Lamar?”
I got quiet.
“What about Lamar?” she repeated.
“I can’t,” I whispered. “We’re still friends. But I just… can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I feel guilty,” I admitted, letting my head fall back.
“Why would you feel guilty?” she asked.
“He makes me feel like everything is going to be okay, and everything isnotokay,” I cried.
I hadn’t fully realized why until that moment.
Lamar made me feel good, made me feel as if everything was okay. And while my aunt, my favorite person in the world, was dying, I didn’t want to feel good. It didn’t feel right. Working on his business plan was a distraction, and it was work. I liked doing it. But talking to or seeing Lamar made everything else disappear, and I couldn’t afford to disappear from what was happening. Aunt Addison deserved my undivided attention.
She let out a shaky breath. “You have nothing to feel guilty about, Jazmyn. Nothing,” she whispered emphatically. “Youshouldbe surrounded by people who make you feel good. And if he makes you feel good, youdeservethat. You are deserving. And you have such a bright future ahead of you. There’s so much you’ve yet to do, and you can’t let me dying be the reason you don’t live your life. If you want to be inspired by anything I’ve ever done, be inspired to live your life on your terms, fully and completely.”
Wiping the tears from my face, I hugged her. “I love you,” I choked out softly.
She rubbed my back with one hand. “I love you, too.”
13
Aunt Addison’s words didn’t eliminate the guilt I felt, but it made me feel at ease enough to send a text.
Jazmyn Payne:Thank you so much for the journal, Lamar. I don’t know how you knew but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness. And I know I said it in the comments I made on your business plan, but you are brilliant. I hope you’ll keep me updated with what your lawyer and accountant say about your business plan because it’s ready. I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to reply via text or to call. I know I haven’t been a good friend over the last several weeks, but I hope preseason is treating you well.
Lamar Anderson:Why are you texting me like you’re going away? Did you deploy?
I laughed out loud.
Jazmyn Payne:That’s hilarious! Why would you say that?
Lamar Anderson:You disappeared for weeks. I thought you might be in basic training or some shit.
Jazmyn Payne:I’m so weak right now! I gave you a compliment and sent you good vibes and this is the thanks I get?
Lamar Anderson:I’m just messing with you.
Jazmyn Payne:You haven’t called me either so we’re even. I’ve been busy. You’ve been busy. It’s the nature of adult friendships.
My phone vibrated in my hand, lighting up the darkened room as his name flashed across the screen.
“Hello?” I answered quietly.
Even though my door was closed and Aunt Addy had been asleep for half an hour, I kept my voice low.
“Did I wake you?” Lamar’s deep voice tickled my eardrums, and warmth swept through my entire body.
“No.” My voice was breathy. I swallowed hard and regrouped. “Just in bed because I have to wake up early. How are you?”
“I’m good, tired. How are you? It’s been a minute.”
