Nina and Aaliyah arrived with lunch, and we sat around my living room ruminating over pasta.
“I’m literally just existing, and it’s causing all these problems,” I told them. “The fact that he lost fifty thousand dollars—”
“What?” Nina balked.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “If he would’ve gotten Defensive Player of the Month for September, he would’ve gotten fifty thousand dollars.That’swhy I’m trying to end things with him. The internet bullies were maddening, and there was way too much attention on me. But the fact that simply being in a relationship with me caused him to lose an opportunity that impacts his finances, his standing with the Monarchs, potential points of negotiation for future teams, for great—”
“Fifty thousand dollars?!” Aaliyah shrieked.
“Okay, you feel me?!” I looked between the two of them. “Theythinkwe’re together, and it robbed him of everything that comes along with the titleandthe money.”
We were all quiet for a moment.
Nina put her plate down and leaned forward. “He found out the reason he didn’t get it was because people were mad he was with you, and his response was ‘Let’s go public’?”
My stomach knotted as I heard the summary. “Well… yeah, kinda.”
Aaliyah cocked her head to the side. “The first man you’ve ever truly fallen for knows what people are saying, and that doesn’t faze him. He knows that some people are being idiotic right now, and yes, he lost a grip of money—fifty thousand dollarsto be exact—but he’s still in it.”
“Yeah…” I said slowly.
Nina made a contemplative noise. “So the risks that you’re worried about, he’s aware of, and he’s still willing to take the chance. Why aren’t you?”
The question made my head spin.
Shifting my gaze to Aaliyah, I tried to change the subject. “Being in love has changed Nina.”
“Yeah,” Aaliyah agreed. “And it’s changed you, too.”
I exhaled loudly and was about to complain that they weren’t helping when Aaliyah continued.
“To piggyback off what Nina said, are you scared it won’t work out, or are you scared it will?”
Whew.
I shook my head. “Y’all are hitting me with the tough questions today.” I took a bite of my food to buy time. Chewing slowly, I mulled over what they’d asked. I looked at Nina. “Because I’m scared,” I answered her question. Shifting my gaze to Aaliyah, I answered hers: “I’m scared it’ll work out at the expense of his career. But I’m also scared it won’t work out because of all the external factors—the public scrutiny, his coaches, his management team. I’m scared the outside pressures will get to him and it’ll blow up in my face—publicly. So I guess the answer is both.”
That’s an excuse, not an answer.
“So, the real question is would you rather lose him now or lose him later?” Nina asked.
“Whoa,” I murmured, heart thumping in my chest. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.”
My conversation with my best friends lingered while I was at my hair appointment. I was so distracted by my thoughts, I almost missed when my loctician told me I didn’t owe her anything for the appointment.
“Huh?” I replied, confused.
“Your man called and took care of it on Monday…” She went on about how romantic that was, but I didn’t hear much of what she’d said. Emotion washed over me as I knew the only person it could’ve been was Lamar. I hadn’t even remembered this appointment, andhe had. And as I sat under the dryer, I replayed different moments between me and Lamar.
As my loctician finished my rope twists, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Aaliyah and Nina’s advice hit different today. But when I got home, I knew exactly why.
Jazmyn Payne:Your words today felt like they were coming straight from Aunt Addy. Thank you both.
Aaliyah James:That’s the biggest compliment! Nina and I just want you to live your life to the fullest—just like Aunt Addy.
Nina Ford:And in football terms, you’ve been playing offense, now you need to play defense.
Jazmyn Payne:What does that even look like?
