“You should,” I interrupted. “If you won’t do it for you, do it for me.”
He just stared at me.
A few seconds passed, and then, bringing his face down to mine, he kissed me softly, gingerly. My eyes pricked with tears behind my closed lids because the tenderness felt like something had broken.
28
Asking Lamar to tell the world that we were just friends had felt like the right thing to do in the moment. I did what I had to do to protect my peace. I also wanted to protect Lamar’s peace. I wanted the think pieces and hate comments to stop. But the moment I’d said it out loud, there had been a hollowness in the pit of my stomach.
I didn’t regret telling Lamar that I wanted to be with him even though it hadn’t yielded the results I wanted. I also didn’t regret being honest about my feelings. He hadn’t verbally expressed it, but I could see the love, the care, the want, and the desire he felt for me.
Andthatwas the problem.
That was always the problem.
Our connection was powerful, and our feelings were real, but from the beginning, there had never been a real path forward. He told me he didn’t have time, and I wasn’t trying to put myself in a position to be hurt. From the moment we met, I was scared for it to be more than what it was. And from the moment I realized my true feelings, I was scared for it to be less than what it is. And with the internet’s commentary, it had been only a matter of time before history repeated itself.
Sitting on the side of the bed while Lamar was in the shower, I sent Aunt Addy a text. I knew she couldn’t text me back, and I knew I probably wouldn’t hear from her until the next day, but I couldn’t go to bed without reaching out.
Jazmyn Payne:I talked to Lamar and told him my feelings. Preserving his career and keeping our relationship intact was the most important thing. Just wanted to update you. Good night, love you!
And then I immediately sent a text to update my best friends in the group chat.
Jazmyn Payne:I talked to Lamar. He didn’t know about the comments section, but he looked after I said something.
Aaliyah James:I’m glad you talked to him! Did you tell him how you felt about him?
Jazmyn Payne:I did but at the end of the day, the only way to make sure we’re both okay is for him to deny we’re together and go from there.
Nina Ford:Is that what you want?
Jazmyn Payne:I want to get on social media and not see people talking shit. I want people to stop saying they aren’t going to give him his props for his on the field play because he’s with me.
Nina Ford:Did you tell him that?
Jazmyn Payne:In so many words. I just think that if he says we’re friends, his career won’t be overshadowed by this.
Aaliyah James:So you self-sabotaged your connection with Lamar?
Jazmyn Payne:I protected it! I’d rather protect what we do have than risk it for what we could have.
Nina Ford:If you don’t ask for what you want, how do you expect to get it?
Aaliyah James:Points are being made!
I put my phone down on the nightstand and stared at the ceiling. What my best friends were saying reminded me of something my aunt had said.
Are you figuring out what you want, or do you know what you want and you’re afraid to stand in it?
I put my hand to my chest.
I knew what I wanted. But even if I weren’t being dragged over social media and even if people weren’t overshadowing his gameplay, I’d told him I wanted to be with him, and he’d said nothing. I’djusttold him I loved him, and he’d said nothing.
Now that some time had passed since that last orgasm, I was able to think a little more clearly about what had happened.
Because why wouldn’t he say it back?
I knew he felt it. I could see it in his eyes. But for him to allow me to be vulnerable and for him to not say anything again… I was bothered. So, when the shower stopped running, I was fully prepared to call him on it.
