Nerves started getting the best of me as the day went on.
Lamar had struck a chord in me, and I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. And even though my loved ones didn’t think there was anything to worry about if I told him how I felt, they didn’t understand what Lamar meant to me. They didn’t understand how losing him would affect me. They didn’t understand how at times his voice, his touch, his conversation felt like the only thing tethering me to reality. So it was a risk to tell him my truth. But seeing as how I’d almost told him when he was eating me, it was going to come out one way or another. My best bet was to do it in a controlled environment. I needed to do it in a way to salvage the friendship if he wasn’t interested in a relationship.
But how do I do that?
I’d been home for no more than fifteen minutes when my phone rang.
Sitting on the couch, I stared at his name flashing across the screen. Breathing in deeply, I rolled my shoulders back.
“Hey, Lamar,” I answered, my voice squeaking in the process.
“Hey, what’s up?” Lamar responded. “Everything okay?”
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, everything is fine. How are you?”
“Nah, Jazz. Talk to me. I can tell something is going on.Andyou said you wanted to talk.”
“Okay.” Letting out a nervous giggle, I stood up. “So, the weekend of Aaliyah’s party, something happened…”
“Are you talking about that picture?” he guessed.
“Uh… yeah,” I answered, allowing the subject to change.
I rationalized that since I wanted to talk to him about the photo anyway, it wasn’t a complete deviation from my plan.
“Nina texted me a link to this woman’s post on social media,” I continued. “After Nina told me it had gone viral, I looked, and… there it was. Aaliyah’s cousin must’ve posted it, and then it got shared.I hadn’t been online much because I’ve been writing, so I had no idea this was going on.”
“I’ve had some people text me about it. I was surprised, but it’s cool. It’s a good picture.”
“It is. So… you’re cool with it? I didn’t know if you felt like your privacy was violated.”
“I mean, yeah, it was, but it’s fine.” He paused. “Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Partially. I didn’t know if you saw it… or how you felt about it. I didn’t want you to feel like you couldn’t hang out with me and my friends because someone might take a picture and put you on the internet.”
“That’swhat you were worried about?” He let out a relieved chuckle. “You had me worried. I thought… something was wrong.”
My stomach knotted. “What did you think?” I asked slowly.
“I don’t know, the last couple days…” He hesitated. “I thought maybe popping up on you didn’t work in my favor. I don’t typically show up somewhere uninvited. So I’m sorry if—”
“No, that’s not it at all.” I had cut him off quickly, shaking my head even though he couldn’t see me. “First of all, you were invited. You were later than we originally planned, but you were invited. And second of all, I love that you showed up. I love…” My heart raced as the words got caught in my throat. “I love being around you. I love spending time with you. I love our relationship.”
I can’t tell him over the phone.
I wanted to tell him.
Ineededto tell him.
But I had to do it in person.
I needed to be able to look him in the eyes and see his reaction and response. I needed to see if he was going to reciprocate or reject me. I needed to read him. My aunt had said something at the beginning of the summer about looking someone in the eye to see the truth, and this was one of those moments.
“I love that you came over,” I continued. “I don’t want you to doubt that for a minute. Do you have plans tonight?”
“Nah, I’m just going to shower, eat, watch a movie, talk to you. What about you?”
“If I were to come talk to you in person, would that throw you off your pregame prep? I know this is your first official game as a first-string starter, so I don’t want to mess up what you have going on to get in the right mindset.”
