“Jazz, I’m so sorry,” he answered in a hushed tone.
Just hearing his voice tugged at me. I swallowed my emotion. “Hey, is everything okay?”
“More than okay. Very okay. Shit is getting wild. But I’m sorry I’m not there.”
“I’m sorry about that, too.”
“My agent set a meeting, and I can’t get into all the details now, but I’m sorry about our plans. I was really looking forward to being there with you right now. I meant what I said. I want to see you. Ineedto see you. I’ll call you when it’s over.”
“Okay, talk to you soon. Good luck with your meeting.”
We said goodbye, and I just stood in the middle of my living room for a minute. I shut my eyes tightly and let my head fall back. I reminded myself that he’d told me he was busy from the beginning. I wasn’t trying to take it personally. I wasn’t trying to make a big deal out of nothing. But that sting that I felt was still stinging.
And this is exactly why you shouldn’t have gotten your hopes up, I chastised myself.
Exhaling loudly, I had to acknowledge that me getting hurt would be my own fault. Lamar’s back-to-back missed dates weren’t intentional. He’d been up-front with me and told me he was busy. He’d told me his schedule was why he wasn’t in a relationship.
This is on me.
It wasn’t just about the sex even though I’d been craving that man since the last time we’d been together. I wanted to see him. I wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to feel the way only he could make me feel. The disappointment was heavier than I’d expected it to be. My feelings were deeper than I’d expected them to be.
No, no, no.I put my hand over my heart.This is not happening.
He’d said he was too busy for a relationship from the beginning. Even though we had crazy chemistry, an amazing connection, mind-blowing sex, and genuine affection for each other, he and I were technically just friends.
No matter what it feels like.
From my innate reaction to his missed date, it was clear my feelings were deeper than I’d intended for them to be and that Lamar could hurt me if I let him.
Because how do I look getting upset about something he already told me?I asked myself.He’s busy. He doesn’t have time for anything. Enjoy it for what it is.
I was just sitting down to eat dinner at six o’clock when Lamar called. I squared my shoulders and mentally prepared to keep it cute.
“Hey!” I answered on speakerphone with a little more enthusiasm than I felt.
“First and foremost, I’m sorry,” he said. “This is the second time work has messed up a date, and I don’t want you to think I don’t want to see you. Because I do. Bad.”
Despite my best efforts, I folded.
Butterflies fluttered haphazardly throughout my belly, and I had to fight to keep myself in check. “I accept your apology. I know you’re busy.” Taking a bite of my salad, I tried to chew as quietly as possible. “How was your meeting?”
“Jazz.”
The way he said my name gave me pause. “Hm?”
“Talk to me. Are you upset with me?”
“No. I’m not upset with you.” I planned to stop there, but my truth came tumbling out. “I’m just… disappointed that we didn’t see each other. But it’s not on you. You don’t owe me your time. You told me from the beginning that you were busy. So, I promise, I’m not mad. I just…” I stabbed at a cucumber. “I got ahead of myself.”
“What do you mean?”
I put my fork down and stared at my phone as if I could see him. “Asking you to come on your only day off from practice. We were only going to be able to spend a few hours together before you would’ve needed to go back home. We both have early mornings. If I’m tired, I can push through the workday. But if you’re tired, you could get hurt. I shouldn’t have asked you to come.”
“I’m glad you asked. I wanted to be there. Iwantto be there withyou. So yes, you should’ve asked.Anytimeyou want to see me, let me know.”
I did.I pursed my lips.Twice.
As if he could read my mind, he continued. “I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again, but I’m going to make it up to you. Okay?”
