“That’s ridiculous. What are ‘these’? That could be anything.”
She had a point, but Elliot knew for certain that it was notcheese.
“Who dreams ofcheese?” he asked, then felt his face contort again. If he didn’t get it together soon, he was going to drive the RV right off the freeway. He tried to think of serious things. His parents dying. Getting fired. Mona finding out that he and Birdie had slept together.
“I mean, have you never met a starving actress? I bet I dream of cheese at least fifty percent of the time,” she said, but she was grinning now too. “Okay, yeah. I can see that I may not have gotten it right.” Annie Lennox was hitting the chorus again, so Birdie belted outcheesewith extra emphasis, and they both shrieked when she did, Elliot wiping away literal tears, Birdie pressing into her side as if that helped her breathe.
The radio faded as they drove on, and Birdie sighed, then started to speak, then sighed again. Elliot felt his pulse accelerate. He knew that at some point, they were going to have to discuss that night in New York, but he was panicked about what to confess, how to say it, if he should lay all his truths bare. He glanced over at her, but she was focused out the front window at that bumper sticker they still trailed. He decided if she brought it up, he’d tell her the truth.
“What happens if we find him—whoever this is—and he’s changed his mind?” she asked finally, just as the stretch of silence was growing unbearable.
So she was not at all thinking about what he had been thinking about. Not even close. Not even in the same universe.
“Birdie, how could someone change his mind? With you?” he asked, and he saw her still beside him.
Fuck.
What an idiotic thing to say when she thought that was precisely what had happened. That he’d changed his mind. As if he could ever change his mind about something as foundational as his feelings for her. That would be like scientists declaring that they’d gotten gravity all wrong or that the sky was actually magenta, not blue. Some things were simply true forever.
But maybehe’dgotten it wrong. Maybe he was the only one who still felt his blood throb, literally throb, whenever he thought of that night. When he remembered how he felt split in two when he realized he was going to have to walk away. Maybe she never even revisited that night, the sex, the whispers, the way she called in sick for a rehearsal for some show she was doing so he didn’t have to leave just yet. So she didn’t have to leave just yet either.
“When I leave and head into work,” she’d said from her king-sized bed. “Then maybe this perfect bubble will burst. Like Cinderella’s slipper expiring at midnight.”
“I don’t think it was her slipper that expired,” he said, though he knew what she meant, and adored that like the lyrics in their carpool, she’d get it slightly wrong. They were tangled up together. He was running his hand over her naked back, her hair pushed to the side, her eyes closed like this was all a mirage. To him, it was much closer to a dream.
“What if I don’t want it to expire?” she had asked, rolling over and meeting his eyes. Vulnerable, honest, Birdie Maxwell even when she was already Birdie Robinson to everyone else.
“Then maybe I won’t want it to expire either,” he’d said, andkissed the tip of her nose, then moved on top of her. Of course, a few hours later, that all changed. He couldn’t blame her if she’d held a grudge, refused to entertain any memory of just the two of them.
He’d explain everything if she asked, he vowed now. But he couldn’t bear to bring it up and confess and be met with disbelief that he still regretted it, still questioned it, which he did all the time. He said, “Tell me what happened with Carter.”
She pushed up her sunglasses and hesitated.
Finally, she said, “It was amicable. But then, I thought Ian was amicable. And, well, after last night, I think I’m no longer welcome in the entire San Francisco vicinity. Napa and Sonoma might even be out. Certainly Oakland and Marin.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” Elliot said, though it was.
She looked over at him, her eyebrows raised. “I think there was a point where he threatened to sue you.”
“True, but that happens on, like, a daily basis. If Idon’tget threatened with litigation, I consider the story a failure.” He laughed but she did not.
Instead, she went quiet for a moment, and he worried that he’d offended her in some way, reducing her to just another story, just another file to live on the hard drive of his laptop.
“Maybe I could walk away from everything,” she said. “No, maybe Ishouldwalk away from everything. I definitely could. It’s much easier to exit this industry than it is to enter it. I doubt there would be any fanfare. Maybe an article or two about what a loser I am while still being bad for women. But at least then it’d be over. One last pitiful humiliation. I could handle that.”
“Birdie Maxwell is not a quitter. Never has been. Never will be.”
“But maybe I am. Maybe that’s exactly why I ran back toBarton. Maybe all I had was Plan A, and now that I need to pivot to Plan B, I... just can’t pivot.” She cringed when she saidpivot, and Elliot wondered if she’d been told before to be someone else, to be someone different. He wanted to say that she was exquisite exactly as she was, but then, well, that wasn’t his compliment to share anymore.
Still, he wanted to show her that even if he’d been reckless, careless with her heart, he wouldn’t be now, if given the chance. He said, “I remember that my mom used to tell me that you should never make a major decision when something hasn’t gone your way.” He thought of his mother again, a pang reverberating. “I think maybe we don’t make any decisions about your career just because something hasn’t gone your way.”
She squinted out the window and didn’t respond for a very long time.
Then she said, “I’m glad you’re doing this with me, El. Glad you’re keeping me from making major decisions when I shouldn’t be.”
She reached over and squeezed his bicep, and he moved his left hand atop hers. She lingered in his grip for a minute, maybe two, and Elliot stayed warm to the touch, even long after she pulled away.
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