My vision blurs again, and this time I can’t stop the single tear that slips free. I wipe it away quickly before it falls, like erasing evidence of a crime.
“Everything is going to work out,” the saleswoman says cheerfully, misinterpreting my tears. “Wedding dress shopping is always stressful, but you have so much to celebrate!”
I just smile at her and hand over the platinum card Andrei left with me. I watch numbly as she takes the dress I don’t care about and zips it up in a garment bag, chattering away happily about what a beautiful bride I’m going to be. I’m grateful she doesn’t say anything about the baby in front of the guards. I’m grateful to get out of that store and feel fresh air on my face.
I make the guards stop at an art store on the way back. They don’t argue with me, which is nice. One of the men is stationed outside of the store, and the other comes in with me, flanking me at a comfortable distance. He’s close enough to swoop in the second there’s a threat, but far enough away that he isn’t overbearing.
It’s a beautiful little shop just a few blocks from Andrei’s penthouse. Everything here is much nicer than what I would usually buy, but Andrei’s given me free use of his credit card, and he’d probably be happy to know that I’m doing something that I love.
I pick up a deep green pencil and turn it slowly between my fingers. I try to feel the quiet joy I used to, but nothing comes. There’s just a low, restless unease that won’t settle. The back of my neck prickles.
I feel watched and hunted, somehow. I glance toward the door even though I know the guard is standing there. Even though I know no one can get close to me without the other guard swooping in and taking them out.
Still, the feeling lingers. It’s not something I can really explain. I’ve certainly never experienced it before. Maybe it’s just paranoia or the strain from the constant stress. Maybe it’s just my pregnancy hormones acting up.
Whatever it is, I feel unsettled. Even in a place that should make me happy and put me at ease, I can’t relax. I feel off-balance. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore, not even art.
I grab a few things because I can’t stand the idea of walking out of here empty-handed, but I’m not paying that much attention to what I grab. I don’t even really listen when the cashier gives me my total. I feel hypervigilant, like something terrible could happen to me if I don’t pay attention.
I know it’s ridiculous. I know that the guards are going to get me safely back to the penthouse. Even so, I feel a sharp sense of relief when we finally get in the car and start driving.
The car ride is silent. I press my palm lightly to my stomach, hidden in the folds of my coat.
I will protect you, I promise my baby silently.Even if it costs me everything.
By the time the penthouse doors close behind me, the tightness in my chest has finally eased. For better or worse, this is my home now. This is the one place I can just exist without constantly being on edge. I go to my room and put away my new art supplies. Then I carry the dress to Andrei’s much larger closet and hang it in there.
It doesn’t take much time at all, though, and there’s still a lingering nervous energy. I go to the kitchen and find some things to make a small meal. After I eat, I get out my new supplies and start sketching a design.
None of it stops the endless thoughts of fear in my mind. It doesn’t ease the anxiety that’s growing in my chest. I have to protect this child. I have to give it a life that’s safer than my own. No secrets. No parents working for crime organizations.No chance that this baby could get caught up in a plot it doesn’t remotely understand.
I have to start planning my exit, because staying with Andrei isn’t remotely an option. That’s what finally breaks me. That’s what makes the tears flow in earnest, and sobs to rip through my chest.
Already, I’m mourning the loss of this life. I’m mourning the loss of this relationship that might have been the real thing. I’m mourning the life I could have if Andrei were another man. Even so, I know that, as long as this child is growing inside me, I have no other choice but to leave.
26
ANDREI
Iinvite Alina to have dinner with me that night.
She’s quiet as we eat. It’s not an uncomfortable kind of quiet, but she doesn’t seem to want to engage very much. I don’t know what’s going on with her, so I ask her about her day. She went wedding dress shopping, if I remember correctly.
“Did you find a nice dress?” I ask, just to break the tension of silence.
She shrugs. “It’s white and it fits. It’ll be fine for the wedding.”
I watch as she pushes peas around her plate and sighs, barely looking at me. I wonder what’s got her so down. Does she regret agreeing to marry me?
“I’m sorry that this wedding isn’t what you imagined,” I say carefully, taking a sip of my wine. “I’m sure it’s not what you envisioned.”
She looks up in surprise, her cheeks flaming. “No, it’s not that,” she says defensively. “I just… being out today made me feelnervous. It was the first time I’ve really gone out in public since my engagement party. It made me feel anxious.”
That surprises me. Of all the things I’d prepared to hear her say, that wasn’t one of them.
“You didn’t like being out?” I ask lamely. “Even with the guards?”
Her eyes lift to mine, surprised for half a second that I noticed. Then she exhales, small and honest.
