“That’s not the point,” I say.
“Then what is the point?” she shouts, throwing up her hands. “Because it seems to me like you’re acting like a jealous asshole, but you have nothing to be jealous of. You never have.”
“He’s dangerous,” I remind her. “He could have hurt you.”
She groans in frustration. “He wouldn’t have gotten the chance. Wasn’t that the whole point of the panic button? He was no danger to me. Just admit that you’re jealous.”
“You don’t get to decide what’s dangerous,” I say, ignoring her last words. “Not in this world.”
“And you don’t get to act like you own me,” she snaps. “If you want to be upset that I had a conversation with my ex, then fine, but I’m not letting you treat me like this.”
She turns on her heel and storms out without being dismissed. I shouldn’t be surprised by this, but somehow I am. She’s never followed convention, and she certainly doesn’t give a damn about Bratva rules.
I hate that she’s right, though. I am jealous, even if I can barely admit it to myself. Kostya is a problem that I need to handle, and letting my feelings get in the way won’t help with that.
I stay in my office for a long time, trying to plan and pivot. I’m sure my men will find Kostya, and when the time is right, I’ll have him brought to me. I have to think of a suitable punishment, but right now all I can think of is Alina’s anger toward me.
Hours pass before I go back out. Alina is nowhere to be found, although I do see an empty plate sitting on the kitchen table. I pass by her room and hear nothing but silence. I should apologize. I even consider knocking on her door to do just that.
Then I remember her anger. I remember my anger. My jealousy threatens to spill over again, and I realize that I’m never going to be happy until I can be sure that she’s mine. That’s when the plan forms.
23
ALINA
Imust throw up everything I’ve eaten in the last week. By the time it’s over, I’m shaking, my throat raw, eyes watering from the force of it. Goodbye, Chinese takeout. Farewell, delicious dinner that Andrei’s private chef made me.
I feel unbelievably drained.
I brush my teeth with my own toothbrush, which is nice at least. I stand there for a long time, cleaning my teeth until my gums bleed. Then, I just stand there staring at my reflection like maybe the girl in the mirror will have answers I don’t. She looks pale, tired, and older than she did a month ago.
Whoever said pregnant women glow was out of their mind. I look like a ghost. Pale and terrified. I’m trapped in a life that isn’t mine with a man I thought I understood. Clearly, I didn’t. He was just using me as a pawn.
I realized it on the way over here. After the guards tried to chase after Kostya, I caught wind of one of them saying it “hadn’t gone to plan.” I found that odd. As I sat in the back of Andrei’s towncar, I turned it all over in my head. Andrei knew that Kostya would show up at my apartment. He was counting on it.
I wasn’t even mad when I realized it, either. I actually thought he was brilliant, and marveled at how well he predicted Kostya’s pride. Then he had to go and act like a total dick when I arrived. He acted like the way Kostya talked to me was my fault. I certainly didn’t encourage him, and I resented Andrei for acting like I did.
I look back at myself in the mirror, and realize I don’t even recognize myself. How could I? I’ve started falling for a man who I’m not even sure I can trust. He clearly doesn’t trust me. He could have told me his plan, but he chose not to.
By the time I crawl back into bed, I’m too drained to even cry. The pillows smell unfamiliar. The sheets are softer than anything I’ve ever owned, but they still feel wrong, like I’m borrowing someone else’s life and haven’t figured out how to give it back. I miss my bed. I miss my laundry detergent. I’m too tired to get up and grab the blanket I packed, so I just curl up and sulk.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m safe, but nothing about this feels safe. Safe would be my tiny apartment with my half-dead plants and my noisy neighbors and the certainty of knowing what tomorrow looks like.
Safe would be normal. I don’t even remember what normal feels like anymore. For a while, Andrei was starting to feel like a new, tentative sort of normal. I thought maybe I could get used to our quiet routines. Then he went and treated me like I was the one who’d done something wrong. Like I was just an inconvenience in his life.
The thought makes my chest ache in a way I don’t want to examine too closely. I don’t want to be temporary, but at the same time, I don’t want to raise this baby with him. Especially not after how he treated me. I know I can’t have it both ways.
I roll onto my side, pulling the blanket tighter around me, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling until my eyes blur. Exhaustion presses down heavy, but sleep won’t come. It never does when my mind won’t stop running in circles.
I’m so tired of not having control over anything. Tired of guards. Tired of danger. Tired of Andrei’s moods dictating the temperature of the entire room. Tired of wanting something from him that I’m not supposed to want.
A soft knock breaks the silence.
My stomach tightens instantly. For a second I pretend I didn’t hear it. Maybe if he thinks I’m asleep, he’ll go away.
No such luck.
The door opens slowly and Andrei cautiously steps inside. I hear the shuffle of his feet as he approaches the bed. I close my eyes, hoping he’ll go away, but after a minute, it’s clear he’s not going anywhere. I give up the charade and sit up to look at him.
