“Little thing is wriggling around in there,” he mutters. “It’s going to take a bit of coaxing to get the view we need.” He gestures to me without even glancing this way again. “Cross, go ahead and get her on the other table. Give her a pelvic exam. I want you to be able to tell what you’re looking at… and feeling. Explain the differences as you note them.” My stomach gives a violent lurch.
Huffing out a breath, Cross nods and beckons me forward. Eight’s hand is at my back, and she gives me an insistent, forceful nudge, and I stumble into the room.
I’m aware I can’t hesitate any more than I already have and will myself to move. My bare feet shuffle along the hardwood floor, my entire body stiff with anticipation. Nolan continues to watch the screen, his concentration so extreme that when I reach them, I lift my head and allow my eyes to connect with Cross’s. It’s hard to tell what’s going on inside his head, his features are so perfectly blank. With my eyes alone, I beg him.Please. Give me a sign. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared this is going to break me.
His jaw twitches. “Undress, Twenty-Three.” His voice is stern, gritty and hard, reminding me of the way he spoke to me during my last correction. It’s a starkcontrast to the soothing tone he’d used the day I’d been frightened by the snake or even the other night out at the tree when he helped me clean up.And I’d give anything to hear him call me Lilah again.He gestures impatiently with a twist to his lips.Shit.My breath hitches, unsure what to think, but I reach down, grasping the hem of the sack-like garment they call a gown. I bring it over my head, then drop it unceremoniously to the floor because I have no choice than to follow their command. I have to. This is all part of what I know is best for me right now, how I’ll survive.
With a glance at the stirrups protruding grotesquely from the secondary exam table, my entire body shudders.Oh fuck.I’m immediately thrown back to the first moments I remember here at the compound. A stranger’s peculiar hazel eyes on me. His fingers inside me. And more than anything else, I remember fear. It’s all about to happen again. With his chest rising on an exaggerated inhale, Cross nods toward the table. “Climb up there. Put your feet into the stirrups.”
My heart sinks so deeply into my abdominal cavity I’m half afraid it’ll be dissolved by the acid rioting in there. Goose bumps rise on bare flesh as more memories wash over me. The cuffs. The glaring overhead light. The injection. Panic rising, I clench my fists tightly in an attempt at keeping myself from crumpling to the floor. From the corner of my eye, I dare a quick look at Cross, then blink in surprise when the harsh demand in his expression falters. The slip only lasts aninstant before his eyes crash shut, disguising the regret flickering there.
Unable to surmise what he’s thinking, I push the air from my lungs on a hard exhale and follow his instructions, taking a seat on the table. As he approaches, I lift my legs one at a time and plant each heel into one of the stirrups all while staring into his eyes.
I can do this if I know he’s with me, but what does the regret I’d caught a glimpse of really say? A low whimper steals from me as I sink my teeth into the fleshy part of my bottom lip. And then he gives me the barest nod. In that moment, I see the truth in his eyes. A sincerity. The longer I look, the more I feel something genuine pass between us, and a rush of gratitude flows through me. He’s not going to abandon me, won’t leave me to his father’s mercy. Not if he can help it.
“Lie back,” he grits out as he crosses to the sink and washes up before slipping big hands into gloves.
While Cross prepares, Nolan is busy gesturing at something on the screen and Twenty-Two nods, staring, a tremulous smile stretching her lips.
I tune them out, unwilling to pay much attention to what’s going on over there when it’ll take everything in me to get through the next few minutes without freaking the fuck out. My nerves zap and spark under my skin.What if—? Shit.I close my eyes for a second, in an effort to maintain my sense of calm.Shit.
When I open them again, Cross’s attention issolely on me as he comes to stand between my legs. A stuttered breath leaks from between my lips. He places one hand on my abdomen and the other slides along my inner thigh on the way to its destination. They track slowly, almost as if he’s allowing me a few extra seconds to acclimate to the idea of what he’s going to have to do. Even so, my breath catches and my chest jerks with apprehension.
“Cross, make sure you take your time.” Nolan glances over, his gaze slicking over my body, and it’s all I can do not to bolt. He wets his lips before getting back to Twenty-Two. “I want you to carefully study the inner workings of the nonpregnant female so that you have another reference point.”
“I understand, Father.” His expression is drawn, mouth pulled tight at the corners as he slides two fingers inside me. The strain of the situation we’re in is palpable, apprehension filling the space between us. A little gasp escapes my lips as he probes inside my body. I don’t know what to do but lie here and take this intrusion because there’s nothing Cross can do but proceed with his father’s demands. I understand this. But I don’t have to like it.
When my legs begin to shake, he moves the hand from my stomach to my thigh and gives it a gentle, reassuring squeeze. His eyes find mine, nearly overflowing with the apology he can’t voice. “Okay,” he murmurs as he slips his fingers free. He maintains his hold on my leg, but he turns his head to catch his father’s attention. “My examination is complete.”
“And what differences did you note between the two?” His father’s brow raises.
He gives a bob of his head. “Cervix while not pregnant is hard, like the tip of a nose. Tissue is pink, rather than the deeper shade I noticed earlier. Uterus is obviously far smaller. Maybe the size of a… pear? And firm.” He’s very clinical about it, on purpose, I think, almost as thoughmaybehe doesn’t want his father to think about me at all. I hope I’m reading him right. Holding my breath, I watch the look of pride that lights up Nolan’s face, then wrench my gaze away.
“Excellent,” the older man intones. “Now, step over here a second and have a look at this. Tell me what you see.”
I swallow hard, observing from the corner of my eye as Cross joins his father in front of the screen. I refuse to allow Nolan to witness my curiosity.But god, I’m so fucking curious.I wish I could see what got him so amped up from this angle.
Cross squints, then my breath catches as his eyes widen and he points to something. “Is that…?”
“Yes.” Nolan’s smile is broad, and when I sneak a glance at Twenty-Two, the look of relief that moves over her features is unmistakable. He cups her face, nodding. “Excellent.”
My mind rushes to connect the dots, but Nolan’s chuckle sends my thoughts scattering. With a shudder, my eyes fix on his face. Anyone who didn’t know better might mistake his gleeful expression for one ofaffection.It’s not that. It’s the disgusting delight that springs from the power he wields.
The men who created this obnoxiously misogynistic society couldn’t possibly feel anything for their women, not when they put them through the things they do.
Lost in my thoughts, a moment later, I’m caught off guard by sudden movement. Nolan helps Twenty-Two down from the exam table and guides her to the door.
My heart begins to thump wildly. What now?My focus flicks back and forth between the two in quiet conversation at the door and Cross at my side. I mouth my silent question.What’s happening? Can I go?Anxiety creeps in as he shakes his head, then moves the cart with the ultrasound equipment closer, shifting it to show me the screen. I stare for several seconds without understanding. Cross glances at his father, whose back is still turned to us before he takes a second to point at something on the screen.
Understanding dawns. That’s a tiny penis on the screen. Testicles. Scrotum. Twenty-Two’s child is a boy. I exhale hard. That’s the explanation for Nolan’s excitement.
Would he have been so happy if it were a female? Doubtful. No wonder the anxiety levels in the room were near the ceiling.
Nolan walks out the door with Twenty-Two, and Cross is immediately at my side. He whispers frantically as he grips my hand. “I don’t think he’s done.”His exhale is harsh. Ragged. “You’ve got to go along with whatever he says. Don’t antagonize him. You’re doing well so far. But understand, he’ll do whatever he pleases.” He glances at the partially open door, then back to me. “I will help you however I can.”
My eyes crash shut, but I nod mutely while the questions that’ve been plaguing my mind for days on end dance on the tip of my tongue.This is my chance.I can’t stop myself. They come out, rapid fire, like bullets from a machine gun peppering the air. “What the hell has happened to all the female children? Where are the other women? I know there have been more. Where are they? Are they banished when they don’t produce sons? Thrown away like yesterday’s garbage?” My eyes bore into the depths of his, insistent. “Tell me.” My voice cracks as I whisper his name. “Cross?”
His head jerks back as if I’ve slapped him, then a split second later, his hand releases mine, and he straightens, his attention swinging toward the door.
