“You know Father won’t let it progress that far. The moment he believes surgery to be the wisest course?—”
Hélène looked up at him miserably. “I begged Dr. Mortimer to tell me the truth. He admitted that even if they take my breast and scrape away all the cancer they can see, it almost always grows back—worse than before, like some kind of Hydra.”
“But we don’t know itiscancer, Ellie.”
“Idoknow. I can feel it. You can’t understand what it’s like, Joseph, to have a part of your own body betray you.”
Actually, he had a very good idea how that felt. “Has there been a change?”
She nodded and lowered her gaze again. “There aretwonow—a second tumor growing beside the first.”
Joseph caught his breath. “Does Father know?”
“He said we should still watch and wait, that it isn’t proof of malignancy…but I could see how worried he was.” Desperately Hélène met his eyes. “Will you pray for me, Joseph? Right now?”
“Of course.” He pleaded for her in words he had spoken so many times, over his sister, Tessa, and other parishioners, that he no longer needed his Ritual. “Réspice, Dómine, fáulum tuam in infirmitáte…”
“Amen,” Hélène echoed. “Will you tell me what it means?”
The prayer sounded strange in English. “I said:
Consider, O Lord, Thy faithful one, suffering from bodily affliction, and refresh the life which Thou hast created; that being bettered by chastisement, she may ever be conscious of Thy healing which saved her.”
“‘Being bettered by chastisement…’” his sister echoed. She averted her eyes again. “I remember what you said when I first told you: that God gave me this cancer for a reason. Mama told me the same thing. ‘You must examine your behavior,’ she said, ‘and determine what you have done to displease God. Perhaps, if you repent, He will spare you.’ At first, I didn’t want to believe either of you. But the more I think about it…and seeing Mrs. Gordon today… Have you heard the rumors about her?”
He had.
“If it’s true for her…” Hélène wiped fresh tears from her eyes. “Do you know how rare it is for ayoungwoman to suffer from cancer of the breast?”
Joseph nodded. Privately, he had wondered if their mixed ancestry might be responsible.
“Mrs. Gordon, the case histories in Papa’s books, the other patients Dr. Mortimer has treated—they aretwicemy age! There was only one other woman less than forty years old—and she was a prostitute!”
“Ellie.Your sins are hardly equivalent?—”
She shook her head to silence him. “I never told youhowI discovered the first tumor.” Hélène covered her face with her hands. “Waiting to be with Liam was driving me mad…lying in bed at night, I would imagine he was there with me, and sometimes I would— Papa says it is better that I caught it early; but I keep wondering: ‘Was the tumor therebecauseI touched myself?’ I amtryingto correct my sins, to be less wanton and less gluttonous.”
Joseph had noticed she’d lost weight. He’d thought it was because of the regimen Dr. Mortimer had recommended.
Hélène dropped her hands. “But it is too late to correct my greatest sin—the sin I committed against Tessa.”
Joseph frowned.
“I claim to be her friend, but when it mattered most, I betrayed her. When Tessa told me Edward had proposed, I encouraged her to accept him! I was envious! I was dazzled by Edward’s wealth and his station—I knew what that connection would mean for Liam. I was so blinded by my own love—lust—that I couldn’t see Tessa felt nothing for Edward. If I questioned it at all, I told myself: ‘Everybody loves differently. I may be shameless, but Tessa is shy.’ If I had been a true friend to her, Tessa would never have married Edward. She would never have lost her children.”
“But—”
“If Tessa had married a man she loved, a man who truly loved her—theirchildren would have lived. My selfishness is the cause of all that suffering.” Hélène fisted a hand against her diseased breast. “You and Mama are right. I deserve this.”
“Did Father or Dr. Mortimer also tell you that cancer of the breast is more common in religious women? That some people actually call it ‘the nun’s disease’?”
“Dr. Mortimer said it’s more common in women who don’t have children,” his sister acknowledged. “But Iwantchildren! Wearetrying, Liam and I!”
Joseph reached out to cradle Hélène’s face in his hands. “I cannot imagine that Our Lord should need to punish so many holy women who have already dedicated their lives to Him. We all must search our decisions for how best to please God; and if this disease has made you follow Him more faithfully, then I am glad of it. But I do not think He scourges us so neatly. Here on Earth, the wickedestpeople rarely suffer the most. God hasblessedyou by sending you these tumors, Ellie. He is allowing you to endure your Purgatory not after death, when you would cry out alone, but here in life, while you are surrounded by people who love you.” Joseph did his best to smile. “Perhaps that is what God intends for Tessa, too.”
Still he wondered what transgressions Tessa could have committed to require such suffering.Hersins were not carnal; at least he knew that.
CHAPTER 34
