“But—my impure thoughts were…about Our Lady.”
“What?”
“There’s a new painting in my father’s office of the Holy Family. Our Lady, she’s nursing her Son, and you can see…”
“You looked upon the Blessed Virgin, the Queen of Heaven—the pure, undefiled Mother of Christ and the Church, theonlywoman who never sinned—and instead of falling on your knees and praising her, yousinnedagainst her?!”
Joseph had wanted to fall on his knees and praise her too. He’d wanted toworshipher. “Yes,” he managed aloud. “And I—I envied Our Lord.”
“Do you envy His sufferings, too? Do you understand that every time you sin, you make Christ suffer more? You’re driving another nail into His precious body, flaying His back open again and again with the scourge. Can you imagine the agonies He suffers when you look at HisMotherwith lust?”
Joseph squeezed his eyes shut, but the tears seeped out anyway.
“Because of what you’ve done, what you’ve thought, your soul isfilthy, boy. Black as pitch. Black as anegro. You’re hideous! If you could see your soul in a mirror, you would vomit. Do youwantto be white? Do you want to be beautiful in God’s eyes?”
“Yes, Father.”
“You must discipline yourself to avoid occasions of sin. If this painting is in your father’s office, you must never set foot thereagain. If you might see it from the hall, then walk past quickly and do not even raise your eyes. Do you know of Saint Aloysius Gonzaga?”
“No, Father.”
“You should. He is the patron of young people for a reason. He kept his eyesalwaysdowncast. He did not dare look at any woman—even his own mother—because he knew she might be a temptation for him. You would do well to follow his example.”
But Josephhadto look at his mother, or he couldn’t obey her, because he couldn’t see what she was signing.
“You are entering a very dangerous period of your life. These next few years will determine what kind of man you’ll be. As Saint Jerome reminds us: ‘The Devil only wishes us to begin.’ If you open the door but a crack, he will gain possession of your soul.”
Finally Father Laroche instructed Joseph to say the Act of Contrition: “I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins… I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and avoid proximate occasions of sin.”
The Priest gave Joseph Absolution and his Penance. He concluded: “And say a prayer for me.”
“Y-Yes, Father.”
“Don’t sound so reluctant, boy.”
“I’m sorry, Father,” Joseph answered quickly. “I will; I have been. Mama tells me to pray for you and Father Gallagher and Bishop England too. It’s only…you’re Priests. I don’t understand why youneed?—”
“Priests need prayer more than anyone! Whose souls do you think Satan covets most? Think how valuable each Priest is, how many souls he saves in his lifetime! For every one of us lost, Satan can claim thousands of you. It is your responsibility to protect us. When Priests sin, it’s because their parishioners haven’t prayed for them. That’s why there are so many bad Priests in America—because there are so many bad parishioners. Don’t be one of them. Do you hear me?”
Joseph tried very hardto obey Father Laroche and keep his eyes always lowered, at least when no one was signing. For a few days, he was successful. Then they went to visit Mama’s sister. Her son Frederic was five years older than Joseph.
The moment they were alone, Frederic started chuckling. “Am I so very ugly, cousin?”
“No,” Joseph stammered without looking up.
Frederic stooped over sideways till his head was lower than Joseph’s. “Then why are you keeping your eyes cast down like a negro?”
It waspridethat made Joseph raise his eyes then—another sin. He shouldn’t be ashamed if someone mistook him for a negro. Not all of them were like Denmark Vesey. Many negroes were as humble and docile as saints. They obeyed their superiors without question and took correction when they deserved it. They knew they were nothing.
PART I
ABATTOIR
1789-1822
Saint-Domingue, French West Indies;
Paris, France;
