“He does—but He cannot fill us completely.”
That was heresy.
“The Priests who will not allow themselves to turn to a woman often find solace in a bottle. Others choose…” Wallace averted his eyes and did not finish.
Joseph suspected he knew what the man was implying, and he was grateful to let the alternative lie. “Do yourparishionersknow about Sarah and your sons?”
“Some of them do.”
“And they tolerate it?” Isolated as they were, Joseph supposed Wallace’s parishioners had no other choice.
“Those who object do so because of Sarah’s color. If she were white, it would be easier. We wouldn’t have to worry about our boys’ futures. No matter how much property I acquire, I cannot will it to my sons—because South Carolina considersthemproperty. Your father didn’t mention—the woman you love, she is white?”
“Yes. She is also married.”
“I am sorry.Thatis a problem not even a mathematician can solve for you.”
At least the man did not stoop to condoning adultery—or murder.
“I can tell you this, Joseph: If you truly love this woman, if she truly loves you, and you turn away from her, she will haunt you for the rest of your life. You willalwaysbe empty.Carnalintercourse is the easiest way to still that longing inside you, but it is not the only way. Perhaps together, you and she can manage to be soul-mates without mingling your flesh. The path is narrow indeed, but others have found it before you: there are many precedents amongst our saints. Think of Saint Clare and Saint Francis of Assisi, or Saint Teresa and Saint John of the Cross.”
Sarah approached then, carrying a salad she’d made with the radishes. “We’re almost ready.”
Wallace opened the door for her, then called toward the barn: “Andrew! George! Come help your mother!”
The Priest’s sons obeyed their father promptly. The Church considered such children a special class of bastards, born “from a damned union.” The warnings of Saint Alphonsus rang through Joseph’s mind:“In a word, the Church regards as a monster the priest that does not lead a life of chastity.”
The monster passed him carrying a plate of cornbread.
They sat down to supper. Wallace blessed the meal. Andrewbegan telling his mother and brothers about his day. Joseph had little appetite.
Wallace noticed. “If I might venture a guess, Joseph: you’re imagining everlasting hellfire?”
Joseph didn’t need to answer.
“Remember, Joseph: it is not the Church that will decide who is saved and who is damned. Only God can do that.” He gazed at his concubine. “What I feel for Sarah, what she feels for me, it islove. I cannot believe that offends God. What Saint Paul talks about in his First Epistle to the Corinthians, how we are nothing without love—the Church has forgotten that. It has become a ‘sounding brass’ and puffed itself up with rules that have little to do with God and everything to do with control. That’s what celibacy is about. The Church tries to terrify us into submission; it claims we endanger our ministry and forfeit our souls if we fulfill the needs God Himself instilled in us. One day, Joseph, all the false trappings will fall away, and only the perfection of God will remain. If we are wise, if we listen to Him alone, we can glimpse that perfection here on Earth. ‘He that loveth not, knoweth not God: for God is love.’”
That was the First Epistle of John.
“I know what you’ve been taught: that if a man loves a woman, ‘his heart is divided,’ that only ‘he who is free from the conjugal bonds’ can belong to God.” Wallace was quoting Saint Alphonsus. “But before I knew Sarah, my heart was considerably more divided than it is now. I was in far greater bondage to lust than I am to love. I spent hours andhoursbattling my attraction to women, punishing myself. Now, all of that wasted energy is fulfilled with Sarah or redirected into my ministry. My feelings for her strengthen me instead of exhausting me. I am a better Priestbecauseof my family, not in spite of them. Being a husband to Sarah has made me a wiser confessor. Being a father to my sons has made me a wiser pastor. I was lost, alone in the darkness. But I have found my guiding stars.”
After supper, George and Andrew played their violins. Already rubbing his eyes, James crawled into his father’s lap. Afterward, when Sarah tried to dislodge him, James clung to his father’s neck and murmured drowsy protests.
Wallace whispered: “Let him stay. I’ll carry him upstairs. Very soon, he’ll consider this unmanly and he won’t let either of us close enough to kiss him. ‘Now the time is most precious.’ Just hand me my breviary, would you, my love?”
Sarah smiled and relented, kissing both of them while she still could.
With his youngest child slumbering in his lap, Wallace read the Divine Office for the day—keeping one promise he’d made at Ordination, at least.
Seven and a half years ago, if Joseph had married Tessa instead of Holy Mother Church, they might have had a son like James.
Joseph’s bedchamber shared a wall with Wallace and Sarah’s room. Fortunately, as far as he could tell, they managed to restrain themselves that night. Perhaps they’d relinquished each other for Lent. He heard only companionable murmurs and once, muffled laughter.
The next morning was Sunday.Joseph suspected Wallace didnothave permission from his superior to celebrate Mass in his home; but he did it anyway. He asked Joseph to assist. After silently begging God’s pardon, Joseph conceded.
As he fastened his amice, Wallace observed: “I see I have not yet convinced you. Allow me to play Devil’s Advocate, then. Even if Iwerein a state of mortal sin, remember that every Sacrament I administer remains valid. We have the authority of Saint Thomas Aquinas on that.”
They had the authority of Saint Alphonsus and Saint Teresa as well—though both of them shivered in terror for the soul of any Priest who so offended God.“We defile the body of Christ whenever we approach the altar unworthily,”wrote Alphonsus. The mere violet of Lent did not seem sufficient Penance. They should be wearing sackcloth.
