Clare’s cries faded to whines, then stopped altogether. Joseph glanced to the back of the sanctuary and saw that his father was cradling her now. He cooed at the little girl with all the affection of a grandfather.
CHAPTER 42
What it slays is the disease of the soul, and by slaying this it restores and invigorates the soul’s true life. …such personal expiations [are] very pleasing to God.
— “Mortification,”Catholic Encyclopedia(1911)
Father Baker was well again, but still Joseph hesitated to ask him about North Carolina. How could he abandon his pastor now, when they remained without a Bishop? Joseph taught more classes at the seminary than any of the other Priests. He also directed the cathedral’s choir. He could do more good here than in exile. Even his confessor agreed that this was a difficult time for their diocese. Joseph must avoid his proximate occasion of sin; but if at all possible, he should remain in his current post until they had a new Bishop.
Another worry plagued Joseph: Wouldn’t he have to admit to his pastor thereasonhe needed to leave Charleston? He suspected Father Baker would not be as forgiving as his confessor. His pastor was so austere and assiduous. Father Baker allowed himself no pleasures—no friends even, except their late Bishop. He would think Joseph weak. Hewasweak. He was not fit to be a Priest. FatherBaker might have him excommunicated. Joseph would be damned in the next life and forbidden to exercise his vocation in this one, and he still wouldn’t have Tessa.
Joseph supposed his father was right in one respect: he owed Tessa an apology and an explanation. But surely these could be transmitted by letter. If he saw her again—she looking at all recuperated, he knowing how she felt about him—he feared he might throw himself upon her.
Joseph quarrelled with himself about how much to include in this letter. Perhaps heshouldtell Tessa he dreamt about her every night. Perhaps he should even tell her his father had been born a slave. Perhaps he should appall Tessa purposefully, so she would understand that he wasn’t worth a moment of her attention, let alone affection. But the thought of Tessa recoiling from him…
He continued to fast and abstain, consuming only one meal a day and no meat, fish, eggs, cheese, or butter. This discipline had little effect except to render him irritable and distracted. More than once, his stomach gurgled in the middle of a Sacrament.
Hélène begged him to join them for dinner again. Joseph felt he could not refuse, when these might be his sister’s final weeks on Earth. He went for the conversation. When May brought the first course, he had to admit he was fasting.
Even his mother, so ascetic herself, frowned at him in worry. ‘Ithoughtyou looked thin,’ she signed.
Joseph’s father interrogated him about the duration of this “starvation” and exactly what hewaseating.
“I fast much of the year: for Advent and Lent…” Joseph argued. “So does every obedient Catholic.”
“Not like this.” His father railed against the practice of mortification in general: good health like Joseph’s was a blessing and how dare he take it for granted by endangering it. “How is adeadPriest of use to anybody?”
“I’m not trying to kill myself!” Joseph shouted back.
“No, becausethatwould be a sin!” his father mocked.
“My confessor knows about my fast. He applauds it.”
“Your confessor is not a doctor!”
Joseph stood up and threw down his napkin. “He is a Physician of the Soul! That is the only kind I need!”
Since the scent of the oyster soup was making him light-headed anyway, Joseph left the house. He took refuge in the stable. Prince did not criticize him.
Hélène and Liam soon found him. “Your Penance…” his sister said gingerly. “It’s because of Tessa, isn’t it?”
Joseph didn’t answer. He kept brushing his horse.
“She’s every bit as miserable withoutyou. If you could find a way to…” In the corner of his vision, Joseph saw Hélène take Liam’s hand. “You have our blessing, Joseph.”
He glanced at them cautiously, his eyes alighting on Tessa’s brother, or at least on his shoulder. He couldn’t meet Liam’s eyes. “Surelyyoucannot wish me to…”
Tessa’s brother had no trouble staring at Joseph. “If you hurt her, I’ll break every bone in your body—Priestly or not.”
Hélène continued the thought quickly, as though they’d rehearsed this. “But the thing is: you’re hurting Tessa right now.”
Liam cleared his throat. “I trust you, Father—Joseph. I know you’ll find a line and you won’t cross it. But please: don’t leave it like this.”
Hélène also reminded him about Tessa’s camellia: “The roots are strong, but it’s barely blooming. Youpromisedyou’d help.”
Joseph realized the longer he waited, the more likely it was Tessa would be well enough to rise from her bed. Already a month had passed since Clare’s birth. If he hurried, he could tend to her camellia without seeing Tessa at all.
Joseph did not waste a minute. He took scions from his mother’s garden and his own tools. The Stratfords’ gardener let him in the front gate, but Joseph insisted that Tessa not be disturbed. Edward was at the plantation, and David was at school.
