“About what?” he asked, climbing up to sit beside me. The rock shrank under us.
“About home. It feels far away, which is crazy.” I paused, twisting my hair into a roll, determined not to gnaw on my lip. “I can’t even remember what the last thing I said to my dad was. Something about his new car. Something stupid.”
Thad didn’t answer right away.
“I got in a fight with my dad. I wish I didn’t remember the last thing I said.”
“Whatever it was, I’m sure he knew you didn’t mean it.”
“Oh, I meant it. I just wish it wasn’t the last thing I said.”
I tilted my head at Thad. “Then it’s a good thing you’ll catch a gate soon so you can finish the conversation.”
Thad raised an eyebrow. “What makes you so sure?”
“Because if anyone will catch a gate, it’s you. Something tells me you get Nil better than anyone. And when your time comes, you’ll make it.” I shrugged. “Just a feeling.”
Thad chuckled. “I like your feelings, Charley with ane-y.”
For an instant, his eyes were light, the way I remembered them, but then a veil fell and the ghosts were back. “But I don’t think it’s up to me, not really,” he said. “I think Nil has her own agenda.”
“Wow,” I said. “That sounded all deep and dark.”
“Dark.” He half smiled. “You nailed it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Thad didn’t answer.
“Thad, don’t make me guess here.” My voice was unexpectedly sharp.
“Sorry.” Thad watched water crash against our rock. “Lately, maybe it’s because I’ve been here so long, I feel like I finally get Nil. The darkness of it. Like with Rory. He was so pissed, and I can’t stop thinking that our yelling attracted the hog. Like Nil was drawn to the hate, you know?” Then he laughed, an empty sound. “I know, it sounds insane.”
“No, it sounds like you feel guilty.” I paused. “Thad, Rory’s death was not your fault. Yes, y’all yelled. Yes, Mama Hog got angry, or felt threatened, or whatever. But Rory’s the one who fell out of the sky mad and sour, and he’s the one who set that awful day in motion. It’s totally terrible that he died, buthis death wasn’t your fault. But hey”—I stopped long enough for him to look up at me—“if you want to beat yourself up about it, go ahead.”
When Thad stayed quiet, I grinned. “You know I’m right.”
“Maybe.” He smiled slightly, then dropped his eyes to his hands, which, thankfully, weren’t clenched in knots. “I’m just tired of the bad stuff. The death, the blood. The waiting.”
“The tick-tock,” I said.
“Exactly.” His voice was oddly choked.
For a few minutes, neither of us spoke. Darkness lingered over Thad like a cloud, and I didn’t know what else to say. We hadn’t spoken this much in almost two weeks.
“Look, I know I’ve been preoccupied lately,” Thad said. “Since Rory, I’ve been trying to get my head straight.”
I looked at him, abruptly overwhelmed by all Thad had gone through. Not just watching a boy die after carrying him for miles, but dealing with Nil, day in and day out, for 290 days. Watching people come, watching people go. Watching people die, and maybe not just Rory. Probably not just Rory. And here I was, thinking his distance was about me. I’d never felt more shallow or foolish.
“It’s okay.” I laid my hand on his arm. Despite myself, I got a little thrill when he didn’t pull away. “I’ve only been here twenty-four days, and sometimes it gets to me. I mean, I was just sitting here, thinking about everything I miss. But when I thought about what I didn’t miss, it made me feel a little better. So—well, not going all sunshine and daisies here, but maybe try focusing on the good stuff for a while so the bad isn’t so dang overwhelming. Like you said yourself, ‘focus on the good, live in the moment.’ Samuel made it; so did Sabine. Natalie and Li are on Search, and we haven’t seen any gates around here, so maybe they’ve caught one wherever they are.”
Thad regarded me with an unreadable expression. I almost stopped, thinking again how crappy I was with the whole rah-rah thing, but I was determined to finish.
“I’m not saying ignore the Dark Side, and I’m not saying it’s not here. I’m not blind, or stupid. But there’s bad stuff everywhere, not just on Nil, and you can’t let it all in. Plus, it’s not all bad. I mean, look. How many other people are sitting by the ocean right now with this amazing view?”
“None.” His eyes were so blue, it almost hurt to look at them. Almost.
“Sorry for getting so deep,” I said, feeling stupid even though I’d just said I wasn’t. “You started it.”
