Rives’s voice dropped, and I’d strained to hear his next words.You know I’ll do it, but listen, bro. We won’t be burying you. You’ll make it.
Promise me you’ll look out for her, Rives. Thad’s voice was hard.I need your word.
I promise, Rives had said, almost reluctantly. Like I said, I’m your wingman. I’ve got your back.
Not my back. Charley’s. Promise me you’ll have Charley’s back.
I promise. Rives sounded resigned.I’ve got Charley’s back.
Thad never mentioned his conversation with Rives, and I hadn’t brought it up either. It was the first secret we’d had between us since Day 13, since he’d stalled on telling me about the year deadline. This secret was so much worse. Because now I not only heard his words, but I also heard his voice—full of pain and, worse, defeat.
I don’t want her to bury me.
And he doesn’t know that I know, I thought, feeling sick. Another secret, adding to the distance.
Thad’s dark lashes fluttered, hiding eyes that I knew were the color of Nil’s deep waters. He was either asleep or faking it well. I studied his face, memorizing every line, and in this bittersweet moment, I felt achingly thankful to Nil. Nil was like that crazy aunt who hooked people up at weddings. Where other than on Nil would I have had the chance to meet the most amazing boy from Canada, a boy who snowboards so well he made their national team? Sometimes I’d caught Thad staring at the mountain when he didn’t think anyone was watching.
Right now his eyes were closed and still. His lips rested slightlyapart, his jaw was slack, and in this moment, he looked exactly seventeen.
He’s asleep, I thought with relief. It’s harder to sprint when you’re tired, and I believed that crazy Nil would give him a reason to run tomorrow.
I believed we were here for a reason, and I believed I was here to meet Thad. Maybe he was here to meet me, maybe not. Maybe he’d already figured out why he was here and didn’t want to share it with me, yet another secret he’d chosen to keep. But it didn’t matter ifIknew why Thad was here; all that mattered was thatThadknew.
But is knowing enough?my worried mind whispered.
I thought of Talla and Li, of Sergio and Rory. People who’d stay in Nil’s labyrinth forever. Had they figured out why they were here? And did the understanding—or lack of it—alter their fate? Maybe knowing wasn’t enough, but not knowing might be a death sentence.
Maybe some aren’t destined to leave.
My breath caught at the thought. As panic set in, I clung to one irrefutable fact: crazy Nil had given us each other, and the only future we had wasn’t here. Thad would make it; he had to.
He had one noon left.
Please don’t give up.
Wrapped in darkness and blanketed by secrets, I lay beside Thad, praying for one last gate. And as my eyes grew as heavy as my heart, I prayed he’d be there when I woke up.
Because even though he’d promised he wouldn’t leave me, it felt like he already had.
CHAPTER
61
THAD
DAY 364, NIGHT
I’m going to die tomorrow.
A pervasive sense of calm accompanied that thought. Each minute marched on, counting down toward one inevitable conclusion: death.
The writing was on the Wall.
Did the inevitability of death trigger the calm? I wondered. Did everyone staring down the barrel of a gun feel peace in that moment? Or did the surreal calm stem from acceptance of one’s fate? I’d finally given up trying to control something I couldn’t. My fate was out of my hands, and giving up had never felt so good.
Tucked tight to my side, Charley fit perfectly, like a natural extension of me. I studied her profile, etching it in my memory. Eyes closed, lashes dark, one hand hiding under her cheek; the other resting gently on my chest.
I knew she was finally asleep. She’d faked it for a while; we both had. Words were too painful. We’d said good-bye over and over, and at this point, there was nothing left to say. The reality sucked; it was what it was. The truth was ugly. Like Nil.
