But it did, and she had to face the repercussions of her action. Only then did she realize the full extent of that rash gesture. She didn’t help Gerald. She fully exposed him.
“Oh, Arabella,” she chastised herself. “Why? Just why?”
The weight of responsibility was so great that she felt her chest tightening. She could not breathe properly and sought somewhere to hold on so that she wouldn’t collapse on the ground.
She found a marble bench and steadied herself with both hands on the back.
“Breathe, Arabella, breathe.”
It would be even worse if she fainted now. That would make for a spectacle, for sure, and she would be accused of being dramatic on top of it.
She forced a deep breath into her lungs and exhaled slowly. She fought back the tears that were ready to fall and kept a steady rhythm of her breaths.
After a while, her breathing came back to normal, but her body was still shaking, still on edge. She started pacing into the small garden, unable to stand still for even a moment.
She had no idea what to do now; there was no correct etiquette that she had been taught regarding this situation. No etiquette instructor had ever thought it necessary to warn a lady against throwing soup at a gentleman’s face.
She did exactly as she was accused of. She confirmed, in the most obvious way, every single thing that everyone was saying behind her back. She was nothing but low-born, completely improper, and unfit to be a Duchess.
And yet, this wasn’t the thing that really undid her. It was a simple realization that caused her more emotional pain: she had broken the agreement she had with Gerald.
Such as it was, the arrangement for their marriage was that she would escort him as his wife to maintain appearances. The plan was simple: three events where she would demonstrate absolute controlled behavior to help him evade certain circumstances and reach his goal.
And she was close. She was so close. She had helped him with the Pembletons, she had demonstrated excellent behavior at the engagement party despite the scheming of his family, and this wedding breakfast was the last one.
It was more than a deal now. She had promised to help him as his wife and partner in this. And he, despite all the skepticism that he harbored all his life, had chosen to trust her.
Gerald may not love her as she did, or even appreciate her as a wife, but he trusted her, perhaps for the first time in his life. And she had absolutely failed him at the worst possible moment.
“Oh, God,” she felt panic rising again inside her, and she was completely exhausted from fighting it off.
“There you are!”
Her body stiffened at the sound of that voice. She felt tears welling up in her eyes. She was not ready to face him, not ready for his anger and his coldness, and that look of disappointment in his green eyes.
“Arabella?”
Arabella took one deep breath and looked down to gather what was left of her composure before facing him. She braced for the accusations and the repercussions.
“Your Grace,” she heard her voice shaking, “I am so sorry. I really don’t know what came over me. I mean, I do know, but that doesn’t mean it’s an excuse for the way I behaved, because I know my behavior-”
“Arabella,” he tried.
“I know my behavior was inexcusable. I should have known better than-”
“If you could just breathe for a moment.”
“I just didn’t stop to think how that would reflect on you. I just wanted him to stop talking, and I know that was not the way to-”
“I think it’s very important that you take a little breath there,” he interrupted her again.
“I know,” her voice was now shaking. “I know I ruined everything, and-”
“I wouldn’t go to that extreme, but if you would just-”
“Perhaps it’s better to go back inside and ask for forgiveness and to take responsibility for what I-”
“Absolutely not!” his voice echoed in the garden, and she stopped talking.
