Elliott was the angel on my shoulder in this battle of good versus evil. I could play it safe with “good” and be happy with the guy I already had, or I could throw the dice with “evil” and see where life took me. I’d picked the devil the day I broke up with him, but damned if the angel didn’t keep reminding me it was there.
“Come with me,” Elliott said, perhaps seeing my hesitation as his chance to sway my decision. “You don’t have to worry about leaving Quinn anymore. He’s doing great. And the trip is already paid for. The flights. The trains. The hotels. You should know—you planned it. It’s just two weeks. All the places you wanted to visit. All the restaurants you wanted to try. Don’t make me go alone because you know I will. I hate throwing money away.”
Oh, I knew. Elliott was a money man through and through. The idea that he would blame me for the loss of a good chunk of it haunted me enough that I’d slipped an envelope into the cowboy boots he’d meticulously budgeted to buy. It wouldn’t make up for what I’d done, blowing up not only his vacation but also his life, but at least he wouldn’t be out monetarily.
“I know,” I said. “But what message would it send to our breakup if we shared a vacation? It’s already confused as hell.”
“Our breakup will learn to deal with it, as it has everything else that’s come its way.”
“We’d be in the same hotel room, and it’s Europe, so we’d be on top of each other.”
“Our breakup sincerely hopes so.”
I smiled. “Our breakup is going to be sorely disappointed.”
“You underestimate our breakup. It has survived without sex for what seems like decades, and you don’t hear it complaining.”
“You’re right. Our breakup has been very patient.”
Our smiles dissolved into frowns.
“I’m so sorry for putting you through this,” I said for the umpteenth time. “I know it’s confusing.”
“I’m not confused. I know what I want.”
Squaring up, I held his determined stare. “And I’m not confused either. I know what I want too.”
“And it’s not me?”
My lip wobbled. How was I supposed to answer that without severely wounding his pride? I took several steps back, giving myself the space needed to be honest with him… and myself.
“I wantme, Elliott. Just me.”
“What does that even mean? I’m not holding you back. I’ve always encouraged you to be who you are.”
“I know, but what I want formyfuture is not what you want for your future. You’re ready to settle down. Have a family. I see the way you look at my siblings’ kids. You want all that, and I… I don’t know if I do.”
“You act like I have some grand plans, Grace. I don’t. I just want you. The rest will fall into place.”
“That’s just it. I don’t want my life to fall into place. I want it to be big and messy and chaotic, even if just for a short time. I’ve been sheltered my whole life. I don’t remember life before Jake was kidnapped, but after, it was like being preserved in an airtight mason jar. Only one time in my life did I get to live like the lid was off. And, oh my god, Elliott, the thrill. I’ve been chasing after it ever since.”
“I don’t do that for you? I don’t give you that thrill?”
“You’re a different kind of thrill.”
Resolve hardened his face. “Great. Wonderful. Just what a guy wants to hear.”
“You’re the thrill of getting everything all wrapped up into one. And if I was at a different place in my life, we probably wouldn’t be having this discussion. But after what happened in the arena, I can’t see myself moving in the same direction only to wake up in twenty years and realize that the lid is still securely fastened.”
“Then I’ll wait… for as long as it takes.”
Slowly, I made my way back to him. “No, Elliott. I don’t want anyone to wait for me. I don’t want to feel like I have to come home. And I especially don’t want you to wait for something that might never happen. That’s why I broke up with you. The last thing I want is for you to gamble your future away and then end up with nothing to show for it. I’m a bad bet, Elliott. I’m going to break your heart.”
My ex sat on the bed, dropping his head into his hands. “You already have.”
“I know.”
There really wasn’t anything more to say. I was ready to get him in the car and go. Take him to the airport. Say goodbye. This time for good.
