Noah. The force of his emotions shocked me. Did he want a father figure so badly that he was willing to create a dad where none existed? Not one of my exes had bothered to tell me about the conversation they’d had with him, which told me it had meant nothing to them. How could a little boy begging for affection not be worthy of a mention? And Dylan? I didn’t know what I was thinking with him. If ever there was a less fatherly figure, I’d like to know. I could picture Dylan getting that question while fishing off the pier with Noah. He’d have been shocked. Blindsided. How else would he have answered?No, Noah. I don’t love you. I only love nailing your mom.
But this wasn’t Dylan’s fault. He had no allegiance to my son. Noah’s needs came down to Nick and me, and since Nick had already tagged out of the whole fatherhood game, the blame fell squarely on my shoulders. I was the one bringing these men into Noah’s life, which meant I was the one who needed to carefully consider the effects they had on my son. If Noah thought every man I brought home was a potential father for him to love, then I was doing a great disservice to everyone involved—because when those ‘potential fathers’ left me, they also left him.
So, where did that leave me and Quinn? I felt stupid even bringing him into the equation seeing that we’d only just met a few explosive hours earlier. But I couldn’tnot, because the attraction I felt toward him was too powerful to ignore. It wasn’t just the way he looked or the things he did to slay me. It was that I wanted him right down to my core. I’d never been so sure of anything in my life. Quinn and me, we had something. I felt it, and I was convinced he did too. If given a chance, we’d burn bright… but for how long? Quinn was too young and too talented to stay in one place for long. If what I believed was true—that Quinn was on the cusp of stardom—then it wouldn’t be long before he was gone for good.
If it were just me, I’d go for it. Live in the moment. Love hard and fast and free. But it wasn’t just me. Noah would always be part of the equation, and every decision I made would affect his life. He and I, we were drawn to the same type of people. The more fun and dynamic, the better. There was no doubt in my mind that he and Quinn would bond quickly. It would be puppy love at its finest, and Quinn would probably make a great temporary daddy to Noah. They’d laugh. They’d play. They’d pass flatulence jokes between one another. Hell, Quinn might even teach Noah how to lose gracefully at miniature golf. But when it ended between the two of us—and it would surely end—Quinn wouldn’t just take my heart with him. He’d take Noah’s too.
There was another option, of course. I could keep my son a secret from Quinn and sneak around like some desperate housewife carrying on an affair with her hot, young lover. Quinn wouldn’t know. Noah wouldn’t know. But I would know. And how could I show Quinn who I really was without sharing the most important part of me?
I lay my head back on the chair and fought off the tears. Why did things always have to be so complicated? It had been a balancing act since the day Noah was born—how much of myself to give to him and how much to keep for myself. On any given day, the scale tipped in Noah’s favor, but today was different.If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.My god, I’d almost forgotten Lloyd’s words. Was his prophecy about Quinn and me? And if so, what did it all mean?
Why did Quinn have to be such a risky bet? If he’d been someone like ‘new’ me, someone who paid his bills and watered his plants—maybe. But he wasn’t. Quinn was destined for bigger and better things—ones that didn’t include a single mom and another man’s son.
My phone buzzed, and my eyes narrowed in on the screen.
How much is this going to cost Nick?
Why was I not surprised by Grandma Ledger’s response? Nothing in my earlier text implied I was asking for money, yet of course she would take it that way. I was, and would forever be, a gold digger in her eyes. Never mind that there was no gold to be dug. The Ledgers had money, don’t get me wrong; they’d just figured out how to keep Nick’s portion of it carefully hidden, inexplicably giving him a management-level position in his family’s company with the salary of a part-time fry cook.
That would show me. That would show his son who needed food and a roof over his head. That would show us gold diggers who lived in low-cost housing.
Noah’s in the hospital, Hilary. He’s asking for his daddy to come see him not for money
Her response.Again, I ask how much?
My lips pursed in irritation and I contemplated adding a string of multicolored middle finger emojis to my line of text, but nothing good ever came from antagonizing the maternal gatekeeper.
We have Medicaid
And then I waited. I imagined her relaying the information to Nick. That was how all our conversations went after Nick conveniently ‘lost’ his phone a couple of years ago, forcing me to go through his mother Hilary for all my gold-digging needs.
Nick’s not available.
It’s been over a year. Please ask him to reconsider—for his son’s sake.
More waiting and then the reply.That was his final answer.
His final answer? What was this—a game show?
Ah, okay. I see,I typed.Well then, could you please tell Nick to kindly fuck off. Thank you, Hilary. Have a good night.
So classy,came her reply.
I turned off my phone before our exchange turned deadly. Hilary and I had gone many rounds with each other over the years, and I’d come to the conclusion it wasn’t worth my time anymore. As much as it pained me, I couldn’t force Nick to love his son.
* * *
“Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mom.”
After hours of tossing and turning, I must have fallen asleep only to open my eyes to Noah hovering over me, his hands manipulating my face as he crowed grating sweet nothings into my ear. “Ma. Mom. Mommy.”
“Stop it.” I giggled, removing his hands. “That’s so annoying.”
“You’re the one that lets me watchFamily Guywith you.”
“Giant parenting fail, that one,” I mumbled to myself.
“Nah. I don’t want a boring old mom. You’re fun.”
